See the previous episode of Clay and April’s Imaginary Tropical Vaction here, or not.

After Clay and I had shared a few hours at the beach we decided to walk down the street to the most adorable old drugstore that still has a fully operational soda fountain and lunch counter.  As you can see it was packed with all the sunburned beach bunnies.

Check out the menu.  All you need is a pocket full of change and you’ve got yourself a cup o’ joe.

And a homemade piece of pie.  Can I hear it for the old mismatched diner plates?  Love it.

Oh look!  The beach bunnies have arrived.  Clay and I ordered our usual flavor of shakes; him strawberry and me vanilla.  While we waited for them to be made I decided to browse around and look at the merchandise.  Maybe I would pick up a nice gift for P-Dub.

I couldn’t decide between this upside down hanging doll with a thick layer of dust on her skirt or

this bag of Monkey Business gummi candy.  So hard to choose.

In the end I had to go with the Monkey Business gummi candy, because that smokey grey monkey?  It had delicious written all over it.

I swear I think we had stepped back in time.  Since we were already pretending to be on a tropical beach vacation in Kansas, it wasn’t too weird that we were suddenly thrust back to 1953, was it?

Why aren’t cash registers pretty now?  Did people think they were pretty back in 1953 or were they just another cash register?  Will my children know what I’m talking about when I say cash register?  Isn’t it refreshing not to see the mc/visa logo on it?  Yes, it is.

How was our shakes you ask?  Let’s ask Clay.  I wonder if I could go through a day without calling him an Idiot?  I don’t think so.

Fast Tube by Casper

When Clay and I got the invitation to go to Pioneer Woman’s Lodge for a weekend we decided to take our time driving down to Oklahoma.  We figured it’s the closest thing to a vacation we are going to get until that big monkey-sucking-debt monster is sliced, diced and charbroiled.

We stopped for lunch in a cute little town about an hour down the road.  We both wanted to eat something local and in the downtown district when we saw this little sandwich shop we decided to give it a shot.  I had to laugh at the tropical theme.  But if you’re pretending to be on vacation, might as well pretend it’s a tropical vacation, right?

Also, it was a good idea that we didn’t go to a finer establishment, because it’s been a while since I’ve taken Clay out in public.  He’s lost a bit of his dining etiquette.

And I forgot to pack his bibs.

For crying out loud Hon, we’re in public!  Remember when we used to go out to eat?  Remember how we had to use our manners?  And napkins?  And pretend to be normal?  Hon?  Clay?  CLAY!

CLAY!  YOU DID NOT JUST FALL ASLEEP EATING THAT SANDWICH ON OUR TROPICAL VACATION!

Huh?  Wha?  You talkin’ lady?  Sorry, just nodded off, the sound of the waves and the fresh ocean breeze is so relaxing…here in Kansas.

Let’s go over how we need to act once we get to the lodge.  Okay?  Now, you will need to act like the really smart architect with tons of talent and then mention how I’m the best cook….no wait, maybe we shouldn’t talk about cooking.  Okay, I’ve got it.  You say how I’m really organized and know everything there is to know about blogging…in fact just say I invented blogging.  Clay?  Are you listening to me?  Clay?  Clay?  CLAY!!!

ZZZZZZZZZ… dis samich…..zzzzzz……….goooood….zzzzz

How many more years do I have to endure this?  Oh, well.  Look, I got new shoes to wear to the beach!

Hey, you ready to get on the road?  I think I might have sunburned my belly.  Man, that sandwich was good.  Hope that Pioneer Lady’s food is decent.

Q- Is The Pioneer Woman Real?

A- No.  She is a figment of our imaginations.  Behind the web sight is a very portly gentleman with male patterned baldness named Phil.  There is also this really beautiful woman that is quite normal, humble, goofy and gracious that lives at the ranch, but I didn’t talk to her much.

Q- What is Marlboro Man’s real name?

A- Marlboro Man.  Or Percy or Harold or Wayne…one of those, I think.  I just called him Dude.

Q- Where is the ranch?

A- If you go to Oklahoma, look for a large daisy in the middle of nowhere.  That is where the ranch is, we had no problem finding it after we pulled over and asked three  wild mustangs and one Texas Longhorn for directions.

Q- Did you get to meet the Punks?

A- Yes.  I asked if I could trade a couple of my boys for one of the girls.  We’re negotiating, I’ll let you know what happens.  The Baby Punk is completely useless and acts exactly like the one I already have.  The older boy is pretty much the cutest thing on the planet and needs to stay on the ranch to keep it cute.  The girls just need to come live with me.

Q- Did you meet the dogs?

A- Yes.  I petted Charlie and now we are best friends, he emails me everyday.  I love him.  I think we are going to run away together, even though he’s really short.  Height is just a measurement.

Q- What did you eat?

A- M&M’s, cheese curls, bacon, slightly over done cinnamon rolls that I ate while growling at anyone that came near them, lots of butter and the best steak I’ve ever had in my entire life.  I also ate a ridiculous amount of Jenni’s pumpkin bread….truely extradonairy.  Oh, and then there was lasagna that I really wish I had for lunch today instead of that hot dog that I just crammed in my pie hole.  CAKE….. she made that cake.  I ate a sliver for breakfast the morning we left.  Garlic mashed potatoes, salad and did I mention butter?  Yes, I ate a lot of delicious butter.  I washed everything down with eight gallons of coffee because I didn’t want to miss a thing.

Q- Did you meet Josh?

A- Did I meet Josh?  I took that cute cowboy and sat him down on my lap and asked what he wanted for Christmas.  I hate to say this, but Ree, I mean Phil,  has not captured the complete cuteness that is Josh in any of the photos of him.  He is darling, adorable, sweet, cute and just a heck of a fella.  And he has a nice firm handshake, thank God you know how I feel about hand shakes.  He told the story about how he wrecked the gator and hurled himself head long into a herd of cattle or some such awful thing and made it clear that not one person came to see if he was okay until they finally realized he was not getting up off the ground.  Ranch life is not for pansy-arse-lolly-pop-fairy dust people.  Josh, Josh, Josh, I just wanted to give him a big smooch and pinch his cheeks.  And the Punks loooooove Josh, like love him like he’s been hosed down with candy love him.  It appears that Josh loves them back and has no trouble showing it.  Oh, I have one more thing to say about Josh.  He likes to watch UFC and make funny commentary.  Did I say he was cute?  Did I say he was darling?

Q- What’s MM like in person?

A- Marlboro Man is genuine.  He’s the real deal.  He and Phil work together in a beautiful synchronicity that can only be comprehended in real life.  He is patient, loving, attentive and a darn hard worker.  He answered so many questions I feared he would need a lozenge.  He is funny.  He makes fun of Phil.  He makes fun of the Punks.  He is not afraid to share his heart or his faith.  He wore socks with holes in them and fried bacon.  He eats Cheetos and lots of candy.  He really likes Phil’s food.  The only thing he needs to work on is warning people when he is going to grab them by the rear and sling them up over his head and throw them on a horse, it’s a very small defect and I’m sure there is an etiquette book out there somewhere he could read or maybe he could write the etiquette book and then his un-ranched visitors would know what to expect, or not.  MM is much, much, much better looking in person, just like Josh and Phil.

Q- What did you think of The Lodge?

A- Well, it was no Super 8, that’s for sure!  It’s huge, man.  Hee-uuuuuuge.  It’s just like the photos, but so much more.  The spaces are warm and inviting.  We spent most of our time in the kitchen, of course.  Ree, I mean Phil, shared with us some of the history of the lodge; like the time she and MM lived there when they had tiny babies and the well went dry.  She had to drive two miles to take a shower at her in-laws house and cart home water to heat on the stove to wash the dishes.  That’s when Phil, the portly, bald man actually became Ree, the gorgeous  Pioneer Woman.