We took the usual family pictures.

You know, the photos where they’re all sitting pretty and smiling sweetly?

It makes their Momma so proud.  Yeah okay…let’s go to school.

And then I slipped down our porch steps on the way out [...]]]> First day of school today went a little somethin’ like this…

We took the usual family pictures.

You know, the photos where they’re all sitting pretty and smiling sweetly?

It makes their Momma so proud.  Yeah okay…let’s go to school.

And then I slipped down our porch steps on the way out the door.I will be sporting some lovely bruises from my shoulder to my knee and let’s not forget the bloody thumbnail which kept me in touch with my pulse rate the rest of the day, dear God….the throbbing.  Why do finger injuries always hurt so darn much?  My husband had a hard time asking me if I was okay through his laughter.  Did I not mention it took me at least 45 minutes to end the fall?  I’m exaggerating of course, but you know what I mean, right?  No.  You don’t?  Okay, well for those of you that haven’t spent a lifetime falling up and down stairs, let me tell you.  This was one of those falls that I spent three steps slipping and nearly recovering before actually succumbing to the fall which then scooted me half way off the step just missing the giant planter with the iron cone thing that could have made me into a human shishkabob.  When I got to the van my daughter was laughing at me and I was just moaning because…my thumb…ow,ow,ow.  She asked me if she wanted me to drive, but I told her, “No, I need to drive to distract myself from the pain.”

And oh, the pain…my heart, it fell out of my chest and bounced across the parking lot taking this baby to Kindergarten.  Clay cries every year when we take the kids to school.  He can’t help it.  It means his kids are growing up.  I usually have to console him, but today I took our youngest, our baby to school.  I had to hug and kiss him really fast so he wouldn’t see me crying.  It’s the first time I’ve cried about one of my children going to school.

And the flood gates were opened.  So, my sweet husband who was also a bit of a mess took me out for breakfast.

This is probably the best breakfast spot in town.  They have French Toast the size of France…I know, I’m so clever.  They also have cute waiters and great coffee and good old boys that sit around drinking that coffee while talking about the price of motors very loudly.

Warm blueberry scone and warm, blue, throbbing thumb…delicious!  When Clay asked me what I was going to do until I had to pick up the infant-tiny-baby-boy from Kindergarten I said I might stop by the hospital to get an MRI of my body to see how many bones I broke falling down those RICKIN’ FRICKIN’ PORCH STEPS!!!  But, other than that…not much.

And to wrap up the morning…I locked my keys in the van.  I know.  I was busy blowing my nose and dabbing tears and searching for change for the parking meter.  So, Clay had to drive me all the way home to get the extra key.  On the way back to town we had a little conversation about how many times he’s had to rescue me in the last three years and I was certain it was more than twelve, “….and would you mind following me to the gas station because the van probably won’t make it and, you know, I don’t want you to come allll the way back and…..rescue me.”  It’s a good thing he loves me.  This was undeniably a painful day.

I had to post that photo of my girlfriend’s feet.  Do you see what she did to her toe?  We were late to church because she was inside painting that band-aid.  I’m pretty sure I would do the same thing.

Okay,  now on to my failures…get comfy, this could take a while.

1. [...]]]>

I had to post that photo of my girlfriend’s feet.  Do you see what she did to her toe?  We were late to church because she was inside painting that band-aid.  I’m pretty sure I would do the same thing.

Okay,  now on to my failures…get comfy, this could take a while.

1. I have wrecked every side of my van.  The last one was in a parking garage when some little college girl stopped to close to me and I ran into a concrete barrier.

2. When I heard the van crunch against the concrete I said the F word.

3. My oldest son was in the car and was horrified that I let go the F bomb.

4. So I wrecked the car and my motherly image all in a matter of a few seconds.

5. My son lectured me for at least 5 minutes about how to control my tongue and my anger.

6. I’m now being raised by a 14 year-old boy.

7. I can’t stop getting into Poison Ivy.

8. I know what it looks like and I weigh if it’s worth the agony then I go ahead and pull it anyway.

9. I always regret it the next day and the day after that and the day after that…

10. Last night at about 3:00 in the morning Clay mumbled, “April!  You are driving me crazy!”  I meekly asked, “Why?”  “THE SCRATCHING!  STOP SCRATCHING!!!”

11. I have used every trick in the book to battle this rash….all the advice you give me, I do it.  I still suffer.

12. Have I mentioned I’m an idiot?  Yes, it’s true.

13. There is a 95% chance that I will come in contact with Poison Ivy again in the next few weeks.

14. I can’t seem to get anything done in my kitchen.

15. At this very moment there is a pot on my stove with grape juice to make jelly that has fermented.

16. I guess I’m making wine.

17. I have a chicken with a huge gaping wound on her back.

18. My cat had an abscess explode on her side.

19. My dog ate the scab I picked off of the chicken’s back.

20. My cat likes to lay on me so the wound drains on my shirt.

21. My animals are making me gag and I’m thinking farm life is really gross.

22. Did I mention I have some sort of upper respiratory cough thing?

23. You can’t imagine how fun it is to sleep with me between the coughing and the scratching, I’m all a person needs for a restful night.

24. My baby lost his second tooth yesterday.

25. The tooth fairy totally forgot.

26. Preacher, also known as Head of Farm Security, does not trust me.

27. I’m the only one that treats his ears and whenever he hears me call his name, he slinks upstairs and hides under my bed or he freezes and acts like if he doesn’t move I won’t see him.

28. I see counseling sessions in our future.

30. I have a towel bar in our bathroom that falls down every, single, dad-gum, time I touch it.

31. I’ve bought two different sets of hooks to use instead of the #!*$ towel bar.

32. Neither of the hooks fit, so I have to go back to the store to find some that work.

33. In the mean time…I fear for the well being of that towel bar.

34. I might need bathroom fixture counseling too.

35. It’s only a matter of time before I scream the F word at the towel bar.

36. Did I mention I’m a wee bit itchy?