I recently attended a class for parents of teenagers.  The topic of discussion was media and social networking.  I decided not to participate in the discussion and opted to listen to the input from the parents.  I noticed that the parents of younger children were very against their children ever participating in any social media and the parents of older teens discussed how they carefully try to navigate monitoring their children’s involvement with their devices.

I decided I was the teenager in the room.

I have a blog, I love Facebook, I was on Twitter before it became the hot hang-out for teens, I have Snap Chat and Instagram and I text.  What am I missing?

Obviously, I wasn’t going to stand up and say, “Dudes! Yo! Screens forever!”

Because that would be bad and I might lose my reputation as overly-protective-slightly-ignorant-homeschooling-pansy-Christian-blonde.  And that would be, well I could stand to lose a few adjectives.

So, I sat there listening to the parents give their input about the trust they have to put into their teens when they walk out the door and hope that they aren’t assaulted with images on Joey Nogood’s phone on the bus or in the hall or wherever.

And that made me want to hide my children in a hole until they are 25, but then they would be super pale and socially inept……wait.  Uh, erm, might have that going on without the hole.

Still I was not opening my mouth to say anything, because I was enjoying the banter of these parents.  Some of them were wise to the fact that FaceBook is so yesterday and if you want to know the real kid just follow their Twitter and if that shocks you then you can only imagine what that kid is Snapchatting and Instagramming  and none of it would be Pintrest worthy, I promise.

Do I need to insert that as I type this my 19yo daughter is laying practically in my lap while surfing Pintrest and my 8yo is shoving a Calvin and Hobbes book in my face every few minutes, “Mom! Read this. Read the whole page.  It’s really funny.  Read it.”  I have yelled, “NO!  Get that out of my face!” several times to no avail and I’m passed kindly asking my daughter if she could choose any of the other three chairs in the room, “GET OFF ME CHILD!” 

Obviously, my family does not have issues with being together.

I gained some insight from the class and decided there were some things I could monitor more closely.  Hopefully, my children will have a strong moral compass by the time they leave the confinement of our home, but there is always the chance that they could be sucked into the dark world of selfies and hashtags.

I’m not going to tell you how we manage/monitor/control the use of social media in our home.  I think it’s wise that we talk about it with our kids all the time.  Hopefully, they will learn discernment and keep their head on straight without causing their parents to worry about them constantly.

I need to go update my status.  Snapchat you later!

1. Assume their hands are sticky before handing them your phone.

2. The dirt pile you swept up in the kitchen.  They will step in it.

3. Lego’s hurt you.

4. It’s not possible to make Lego’s look pretty in your decor no matter how hard you try.

5. Animals shed.

6. Animals walk through the dirt pile too.

7. Animals will bring fleas and ticks into your house adding to your hyper-itchy feeling you’ve had ever since you had that sixth case of poison ivy.

8. You are the only one that will constantly get poison ivy rashes, especially on your face and other parts that you can’t itch in public.

9. You will spend the bulk of your children’s young lives being itchy.

10. The van is never really going to be clean.

11. When both windows stop rolling down on the van you’ll stop apologizing to the drive-thru people about it after the fourth or fifth time.

12. There is never a good time to take the van into the repair shop.  Learn to live with the windows.

13. It’s best for your mental wellness to think of the van as an extra closet, sport bag, school supply center, toy box, pantry and compost bin.

14. Never assume your child would never do THAT.  Because the moment you say it to a friend, your child will do THAT.  Like the time you looked across the street while chatting to your neighbor to see your toddler taking a dump in the other neighbor’s yard.

15. Your children are your best judges.  Trust them for their complete honesty.

16. Children will tell you when your butt is BIG and SQUISHY.  Tell them not to be so honest.

17. You must learn to speak Neanderthal in order to communicate with your teenage sons.  For example if you hear him say, “Hrmph, rumph, hungry.”  He needs to eat.  If you hear him say, “Hrmph, Rmph, Lmph, Dmph.”  You need to yell at him, “I CAN’T UNDERSTAND A WORD YOU’RE SAYING!!!”

18. In order for you teenage son to avoid having to communicate with you offer him food every time you see him.  He will love you and you won’t have to figure out what he’s trying to say.

19. When buying a home the best location is next door to the grocery store.  Trust me.

20. Train your daughter to love chocolate and romantic comedies as the balm of premenstrual woes, then you will always have a compassionate buddy during your monthly melt down.

21. If you love it.  They will break it.

22. Furniture is for jumping and building forts.

23. Anything new in the house is fair game for your most curious child to dissect.

24. They can smell the candy and hear the wrappers no matter where you hide it and no matter where you hide to eat it.

25. If you are eating they need to be eating.

26. If you are bad at sharing, Motherhood will cure you.

27. The night before you become a parent is the last time you will have a good night’s sleep.

28. Children have an amazing way of needing to ask you a question at 2am.

29. The worst stores to take a child include; fabric stores, furniture stores, toy stores, grocery stores, clothing stores, shoe stores, and store stores.

30. If you have to go to the store, wait 20 years.