1. Assume their hands are sticky before handing them your phone.
2. The dirt pile you swept up in the kitchen. They will step in it.
3. Lego’s hurt you.
4. It’s not possible to make Lego’s look pretty in your decor no matter how hard you try.
5. Animals shed.
6. Animals walk through the dirt pile too.
7. Animals will bring fleas and ticks into your house adding to your hyper-itchy feeling you’ve had ever since you had that sixth case of poison ivy.
8. You are the only one that will constantly get poison ivy rashes, especially on your face and other parts that you can’t itch in public.
9. You will spend the bulk of your children’s young lives being itchy.
10. The van is never really going to be clean.
11. When both windows stop rolling down on the van you’ll stop apologizing to the drive-thru people about it after the fourth or fifth time.
12. There is never a good time to take the van into the repair shop. Learn to live with the windows.
13. It’s best for your mental wellness to think of the van as an extra closet, sport bag, school supply center, toy box, pantry and compost bin.
14. Never assume your child would never do THAT. Because the moment you say it to a friend, your child will do THAT. Like the time you looked across the street while chatting to your neighbor to see your toddler taking a dump in the other neighbor’s yard.
15. Your children are your best judges. Trust them for their complete honesty.
16. Children will tell you when your butt is BIG and SQUISHY. Tell them not to be so honest.
17. You must learn to speak Neanderthal in order to communicate with your teenage sons. For example if you hear him say, “Hrmph, rumph, hungry.” He needs to eat. If you hear him say, “Hrmph, Rmph, Lmph, Dmph.” You need to yell at him, “I CAN’T UNDERSTAND A WORD YOU’RE SAYING!!!”
18. In order for you teenage son to avoid having to communicate with you offer him food every time you see him. He will love you and you won’t have to figure out what he’s trying to say.
19. When buying a home the best location is next door to the grocery store. Trust me.
20. Train your daughter to love chocolate and romantic comedies as the balm of premenstrual woes, then you will always have a compassionate buddy during your monthly melt down.
21. If you love it. They will break it.
22. Furniture is for jumping and building forts.
23. Anything new in the house is fair game for your most curious child to dissect.
24. They can smell the candy and hear the wrappers no matter where you hide it and no matter where you hide to eat it.
25. If you are eating they need to be eating.
26. If you are bad at sharing, Motherhood will cure you.
27. The night before you become a parent is the last time you will have a good night’s sleep.
28. Children have an amazing way of needing to ask you a question at 2am.
29. The worst stores to take a child include; fabric stores, furniture stores, toy stores, grocery stores, clothing stores, shoe stores, and store stores.
30. If you have to go to the store, wait 20 years.