I became a parent at the age of 23. In four short years my daughter will be that age and I’m not certain that I will believe that I know anything about raising a decent human being other than the simple statement that comes to my mind which is, don’t be stupid.
The older I become, the less convicted I am about many things that I was so certain of in my youth. My eyes have seen more, my ears have heard more, my heart has felt more and therefore I’ve softened to many things that may have caused me to bristle in the past. Which makes me wonder if my younger children are being raised by a different mother than the one that raised my two older children. My answer would be, yes, sort of, kinda. I’m slower to judge a person and slower to befriend a person. In general, I’m much slower.
Clay and I were discussing parenting books and how we both think people need to lean more on their natural instincts when raising their children. But, what if you don’t have any natural instincts? Well, then don’t be stupid. I know, that’s easy to say if you are confident in your abilities. Seriously though, if a book told you to love your child, make sure they are fed, clean, educated and well mannered, would you not do these things? So, if I wrote a parenting book I think I would constantly remind the reader that their stupidity will be returned ten fold by their children, so don’t be stupid.
Do you want to know something funny? I wouldn’t allow my two older children to utter the word stupid, in fact, they thought it was a bad word. Now, I find myself saying, “Don’t be stupid.” to my four children nearly every day. Somehow, even with the allowance of this word in their vocabulary, they still don’t accuse each other of being stupid, but that doesn’t stop them from yelling, “STUPID!” out of frustration now and then when pitching a fit.
I’m not in the business or of the authority to give anyone parenting advice. In fact I don’t think I will be able to have that gavel in my fist until I have seen that my own four children have been able to successfully raise their own children. So, by the time I’m ninety then I will be able to write a parenting book full of all kinds of wisdom, but until then I only have one thing to say to parents, don’t be stupid.
One thing I know for certain is that a child learns from their parent. Whether you were raised by the most brilliant parents or the most insignificant parents, you learned from them. Maybe you plan to do things differently because your parents were stupid, that’s great, don’t be stupid. Maybe you plan to raise your children exactly the way your were raised because your parents were phenomenal, that’s great, just don’t be stupid. Just don’t be stupid.
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That applies to Life in general, not only raising kids. If everyone would just stop and think (which is in and of itself a “not stupid move”) before making judgements, jumping into the thick of a situation, getting married, having kids, taking a job, getting a divorce, quitting a job, etc., etc., etc. . .
“Don’t be Stupid” sounds like a great title for a Coffee Table Book! You should go for it . . . with you and Clay and your sense of humor it would be a best seller! Seriously.
April, I was just contemplating this very issue about raising children. We have 12 and we’re down to 3 left at home. The wisdom we’ve gained has also made us “different parents” now than we were to the older ones. Unfortunately, sometimes we’re also stupid! At least in their eyes. Now I know why Grandparents are different than the parents they were to their kids.
It’s a phenomena that is true- parents parent the younger ones different than the older ones. In general, their idealism fades to reality. My husband says that kids grow up to be decent adults in spite of their parents (not because of them.) But he’s a very humble man.
I wonder if it’s just life…and not necessarily how long you’ve been a parent. I had my 3 before my 30th birthday. A good friend of mine was had 3 just a pinch older than mine but was celebrating her 40th during my last pregnancy. She has been such a constant supply of wisdom for me. Slow down. Have fun with your kids. Worry less. It will all be ok. What’s a little spill…or letting them have cookies for breakfast. And you know what…her daughter that’s starting high school this year is such a fantastic individual. I admire the love she’s poured into her girls and the women they’re becoming. I’m sure she would tell me “Don’t be stupid!”
And…just recently, we had an older gentleman in our church speak in our class. And by “older” I mean, has 9 GREAT-grandchildren. We (a group of young parents) sat at the edge of our seats. And you know what he said. The only parenting book you ever need is Proverbs. I’ve been reading them 1/day and he’s so right!
i get this, April. last week, my sage of a 16yo and i were discussing an incident that happened when she was 2 or 3. i was trying to explain to her the pressure i felt to do things “right”. i wanted to follow God’s will for parenting; the problem is that i listened to people because it was easier to hear them than Him. some told me really good things. and talk about stupid – some told me some really stupid things.
now that i’m 40(ish), getting a divorce, have a couple teens who are really wonderful (so far!), and have thrown myself right into Jesus’ arms or i wouldn’t even survive it if i didn’t, i realize that He gently led me anyway – even when i was stupidly trying to do all the “right” things.
so, i tell my kids to: Ask Him. And be Willing to Obey. Then Listen. Then Obey.
i’ve pretty much decided we’re all messed up and stupid…all we can do is follow the only One who knows better.
And you could follow up your three-word parenting book with a three-word book for teenagers: Make good choices. Really, that’s all they need to know.
Lord help anyone who puts a gavel in your 90-year-old fist. They’d better be able to duck! Love ya, April!
Very wise are you.
I have been trying to embrace a similar parenting philosophy of “Don’t Be Stupid.” Because I tend to look to books and precedents when I don’t know for sure what to do, and I *always* regret doing what an expert has suggested. So I guess my book would have a 6 word title: Trust Yourself and Don’t Be Stupid.