I had to post that photo of my girlfriend’s feet. Do you see what she did to her toe? We were late to church because she was inside painting that band-aid. I’m pretty sure I would do the same thing.
Okay, now on to my failures…get comfy, this could take a while.
1. I have wrecked every side of my van. The last one was in a parking garage when some little college girl stopped to close to me and I ran into a concrete barrier.
2. When I heard the van crunch against the concrete I said the F word.
3. My oldest son was in the car and was horrified that I let go the F bomb.
4. So I wrecked the car and my motherly image all in a matter of a few seconds.
5. My son lectured me for at least 5 minutes about how to control my tongue and my anger.
6. I’m now being raised by a 14 year-old boy.
7. I can’t stop getting into Poison Ivy.
8. I know what it looks like and I weigh if it’s worth the agony then I go ahead and pull it anyway.
9. I always regret it the next day and the day after that and the day after that…
10. Last night at about 3:00 in the morning Clay mumbled, “April! You are driving me crazy!” I meekly asked, “Why?” “THE SCRATCHING! STOP SCRATCHING!!!”
11. I have used every trick in the book to battle this rash….all the advice you give me, I do it. I still suffer.
12. Have I mentioned I’m an idiot? Yes, it’s true.
13. There is a 95% chance that I will come in contact with Poison Ivy again in the next few weeks.
14. I can’t seem to get anything done in my kitchen.
15. At this very moment there is a pot on my stove with grape juice to make jelly that has fermented.
16. I guess I’m making wine.
17. I have a chicken with a huge gaping wound on her back.
18. My cat had an abscess explode on her side.
19. My dog ate the scab I picked off of the chicken’s back.
20. My cat likes to lay on me so the wound drains on my shirt.
21. My animals are making me gag and I’m thinking farm life is really gross.
22. Did I mention I have some sort of upper respiratory cough thing?
23. You can’t imagine how fun it is to sleep with me between the coughing and the scratching, I’m all a person needs for a restful night.
24. My baby lost his second tooth yesterday.
25. The tooth fairy totally forgot.
26. Preacher, also known as Head of Farm Security, does not trust me.
27. I’m the only one that treats his ears and whenever he hears me call his name, he slinks upstairs and hides under my bed or he freezes and acts like if he doesn’t move I won’t see him.
28. I see counseling sessions in our future.
30. I have a towel bar in our bathroom that falls down every, single, dad-gum, time I touch it.
31. I’ve bought two different sets of hooks to use instead of the #!*$ towel bar.
32. Neither of the hooks fit, so I have to go back to the store to find some that work.
33. In the mean time…I fear for the well being of that towel bar.
34. I might need bathroom fixture counseling too.
35. It’s only a matter of time before I scream the F word at the towel bar.
36. Did I mention I’m a wee bit itchy?
Need a Chicken Doctor?
Contact 
Well April, I have to admit- that was the grossest thing I’ve read in a long time.The whole chicken dog scab thing is stuck in my mind and I’m feeling queasy. Thanks for the memory! I’m starting to itch! Good thing I like you!
In the spirit of all things being redeemable, you have successfully helped me to stay on my diet. Probably a fast, actually, as long as some of those images are playing in my head. I just threw up in my mouth a little….
Rip that towel bar down and throw your towels on the floor like normal people. Sheesh.
I’ve decided to keep the amazing image of the painted band-aid in my head instead of the gross animals. Are you ready for another poison ivy hint from someone who cleans fence rows? When you know you have touched/yanked/wrestled with ivy, rinse the exposed area with vinegar and then bathe. The vinegar cuts the poison ivy oil. Be prepared to bounce around if you also scraped yourself with briers. If you still break-out, the only thing that works for me (not guaranteed for you though) is a thick paste of colloidal oatmeal. The directions say to bathe in it, but I need more than a thin covering to stop the itch.
One question, why don’t you take a preemptive approach to the poison ivy?
My neighbor uses Non-Latex gloves when she knows the stuff is going to be in an area where she is working. She obliterates the PI and then pulls off the gloves like a well trained surgeon (so they are inside out)and tosses them into the trash.
Me? Apparently after much stress and worry about the stuff when I moved here, well, I’m not allergic! Apparently, to hear other’s tales of itching and oozing rash, this is the ultimate blessing.
Because Leah….I’m an idiot.
You have issues…that’s for sure!
For your itching…try this…
Take a hot shower start with very warm water and gradually increase the temperature of the water until it is very hot. It works really well if you have a hand held shower sprayer with pulsating spray. That way you can direct the hot water on all the areas of your poison ivy. (If you don’t have the hand held sprayer it is well worth it to go get one…Lowe’s or Home Depot…not expensive…just attaches to your showerhead.)
Spray the areas of poison ivy with the hottest water you can stand for as long as it takes to quit the intense itching. It is amazing! Just jump back in the hot shower when your itching becomes unbearable.
Also soak a smooth cloth in ice water with a few drops of eucalyptus essential oil and apply to the areas of poison ivy reapplying the cloth when it gets room temperature.
And for heaven’s sake girl…get a bottle of Roundup…they make one for poison ivy…spray it carefully in your flowerbed or yard…wait until it dries…and shovel the entire plant out of the ground into a plastic trash sack for disposal.
Go to the doctor and get on a steroid if the poison is that bad. It might even help your cough. Only use cold water. Hot water makes poison spread. Zote soap is supposed to dry out poison. If you are allergic to poison make sure you aren’t burning it in a brush pile – it could make you have a cough.
OH, I second ripping the towel bar down. They never work and always come loose from the wall. 3-M makes towel hooks that look like metal.
My kids are no longer shocked when I use the F word around them. What does that say about my parenting/language skills? I blame it on the fact that you cannot pronounce #@%&!
I threw up a little in my mouth when I read #19 and #20. That’s just nasty. It almost makes me long for the good ol’ days of chicken spoinking. Nah, not quite.
April, you made me laugh, cringe, gag, laugh, laugh laugh all in one post. You rock. Love the painting of the bandaid, I will have to remember that one. Sorry about the van. I too have let the F-bomb put my motherly-ness to shame
Oh, and I have that same dad-gum towel bar, grrr.
Have a Better weekend!!
Please try Zanfel. It’s worth every single penny!
http://www.zanfel.com/help/
I have it and use it LuAnn. It’s not as effective as it used to be the first couple time I got Poison Ivy. It is great stuff though.
Does Round-Up not work on poison ivy? I don’t like to use it, but I’d rather not itch.
Know what you mean with the animals. Right now I have 3 cockerels that should be euthanized (one is blind, one has a severely deformed beak, and one has a munched body from wry tail), a senile goat, and an old house cat who has forgot where the cat box is (even though I’ve put one in almost every room). Ah…country living! Did I mention the half inch of dust that covers everything in the house because the guys have been plowing all week and the windows have to be open because it’s 110° and we don’t have air conditioning out here? I am compensating by eating. Right now it’s cherry tomatoes. Millions of them.
Jan, I’m sure Round-Up works, I’m just never prepared enough to use it when I’m pulling weeds. I mean I’d have to go allllll the way to the barn to get it. Thanks for letting me know I’m not the only person with gross animals. Every time I open the windows the farmer seems to know about it and scurries to the field to spray, plow or harvest…ugh. Forget the cherry tomatoes go get some ice cream!!!
Just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Ok, WHY did your friend paint a toe on her band-aid? What did she do to her toe?
My I suggest eating some chocolate? It won’t help with the itching or the coughing, but it sure makes the day a lot better!
Well, at the risk of repeating someone else’s suggestion, my husband swears by a thing called Ivarest for poison ivy. Shoot! He uses it on bug bites and all sorts of stuff. I think you can order it online if you can’t find it in a local store. Good luck? And…Ewwwww…
Oh, I forgot – roll on deodorant is supposed to be good for poison ivy itch. Specifically roll on though, unscented. Do they even make roll on anymore?
My kids were shocked one day when I let a SH*T slip from my tongue.
Good luck with the towel bar, poison ivy, and all the gross farm animal stuff.
Awesome bandaid work!
My kid tells everyone about how mama yelled “Oh Buck!” when we hit the deer. Good thing it actually was…and that my kids still gullible.
Thanks for the laughs! Love the animal stories. Little buggars.
I’m so sorry for you! On the up side, my life seems really great right now : )
p.s. You just tell that little 14 year old bugger that the fact that he’s shocked by your language after 14 year of living with you is proof that you are an extraordinarily good mother!
Send your 14 year old to me. He’d be cured of the shock within, oh, I’d say about 2 hours.
The swearing Irish….
km
Also threw up just a little bit. But I did enjoy the list as a whole! My child would also lecture me about cussing. I feel your pain.
Carry a Wal-Mart bag in your back pocket. Or tuck it into your bra. Wherever is handy. The next time the urge hits to pick any little green weeds, put your hand in the bag first, then pull the weeds! Voila, instant disposal and no scratching!
Just don’t store the bag back in your pants or bra for the trek to the trashcan. The results could be catastrophic.
I am so glad to hear that other Mom’s shock their kids. Now I am even shocking the g-kids! Not only with language but sometimes just the fact that I know a specific fact. Sorry about the ivy itch, have you tried table salt? Just dampen some & rub it on. Hurts like Hades if the rash is open & oozy but it stops the itch (momentarily)…..
I was eating when I started reading this…and at #22 I had to stop. See you tomorrow! (Ew!)
I didn’t read through all the comments to see if this had been suggested yet…
PREDNISONE!!! It will help clear up the poison ivy and your lungs all at the same time, and it is cheap. Tell your doc you want a tapered dose…it’s like 7 pills the first day (don’t worry they are itty bitty), then 6, then 5…..
My ex suffered from horrible reactions to poison ivy and this did the trick every time!
Is Preacher related to Hank the Cow Dog? It’s what we thought of when we read this!! Wish I had some gteat Poison Ivy rash cure- but I’ve never even seen it….and I hope I never do!
Gross, yes…funny and entertaining, yes! Not so sure it would all be so funny if I were living it, though. My towel rack is fine, but my toilet paper dispenser fell off the wall, i dunno, probably 8 or more years ago. Whatever, that’s what the counter is for! As far as the cat leaking on your shirt, ew…reminds me of the cat I had as a kid who had a skin condition. She would itch, scratch, and bleed all over the clean laundry, your bed, you name it. Really gross. My 3 yr old also heard me say a curse years ago (I was calling the dog a dumb a$$)she doesn’t remember, but my hubby never let me live it down! As for the poison ivy…I’m with the prednisone people, it’s the only thing that works really well, and on the upside, it increases your appetite! Yippee, lol.
I have always been a poison ivy magnet. Even worse, I blow up like a puffer fish the second I touch it. The stuff is pure evil and everything I’ve ever read says that the urushiol can stay active for yearrrrs – so if it’s touched your clothing, tent, PET,etc that you can still get the itchy rash. Since I run screaming in terror when I see it we finally figured out that stupid dog was rooting around in the dingdang bushes and then I’d cuddle him, rub my face on his soft fur…and end up looking like the elephant man for weeks. No offense to any elephant men out there. My savior has been TECNU. I buy it by the jug now. I apply it like lotion if I intend to do any serious yard work, but it’s a miracle worker for me if I’ve been exposed when unprotected. Gets rid of the stuff in about 48 hours. Gahhh, I feel your pain. Good luck.
Wow…that is some list! Definitely try to get prednisone and a refill since you are so allergic. As for the yucky stuck – well it is what it is, and its kinda gross. By the way, not saying you are anything other than itchy, but it struck me as funny that with everything going on right now, “itchy” also rhymes with a B in front of it (and I’m sure you knew that). Unfortunately, I am very guilty of being that way myself lots of times! Thanks for the belly laugh – I needed it!
April, have you ever tried homeopathic Rhus Tox? It is amazing how well it works. You can even use it preemptively.
It wont help the itch now, but it will clear up the break out.
Stacey
when i moved to southwest MO and my girl got poison ivy 3 times back to back, some wise LDS mommas told me that this is a Native American remedy: eat some of the poison ivy – it makes you no longer be allergic to the oil. they swore by it and testified that their own children had been cured this way.
i cannot say that i recommend this method. nor could i actually encourage my own child, self, or spouse to eat poison ivy. just throwing it out there for what it’s worth….and in case you really are THAT desperate….
Three words… Lavender Essential Oil. Get a good one and pour a few drops on the affected area. Should help stop the itching and swelling.
I thought this was a very funny entry. I use witch hazel or rubbing alcohol when I get poison ivy. It burns like crazy at first but the rash dries up and then doesn’t itch. I am a nurse and would suggest caution with the prednisone. Even when used for short courses it does affect your appetite and mood. In my ER we do prescribe it for severe reactions but if your reaction isn’t super bad you just get it alot because you can’t stay out of the ivy I would steer away from it. The prednisone and the poison ivy.
Thanks for the fun read! How do I nicely point out that Fail #36 would actually be Fail #35 because you left out Fail #29? Unless that counts?
OK, April…although my car only has one side a little bit crunched, I’ve run into our garage 4 times in the last 5 years…
The first time whas in my husband’s new truck. I broke the passenger side view mirror. Not the mirror casing, mind you, the mirro itself when I hit the side open side of the garage door. How I didn’t mangle the mirror casing is beyond me.
The second time was again, with my husbands truck, backing out of the garage again; I hit the wal with the front bumper. Didn’t mess up the truck that time either, but put a nice sized hole in the sheet rock. I blame that one on him. He parked the truck too close to the wall.
I then ran into the other side of the garage wall with my Cherokee backing into the garage so I didn’t have to pack the groceries so far to the house. Car was fine; another large hole in the sheet rock.
The last time was about a month ago when I was backing the Cherokee out of the garage & ran into the side of the open garage door frame. That one made a nice sized ding in the back fender. I know what happened there, too; I’d jockied the Jeep around in the garage to accomodate the golf cart & positioned the car in an awkward place, ie too close to the wall…
So don’t feel bad. Although, I didn’t swear any of the times it ran into the blasted garage. The last time, I just hollerd, “WHAT?!?! Even my husband thinks all my crashes are funny now!
Do you use throw-away gloves and wear long sleeves & jeans & closed toe shoes? Round-up does work, and it is worth the trip to the barn, for crying out loud!!!! Spare yourself and Clay!
Ok, so I had to look up eating posion ivy for immunity and apparently you can. Who knew!? http://wwmag.net/pivy.htm Also who knew you can rub one weeds rash with another weed for a cure… weird!
OH-poisen ivy makes me crazy too! At least you know what it looks like, it still doesn’t register with me until I’ve walked right through it.
April Dear,
For Mother’s Day this year I asked for one of those big plastic backpack thingees(Stihl SG20)that you can fill with a round up solution. About every two weeks I go around and spray any poison ivy I see as well as other obnoxious weeds in my flower beds, mulched areas, etc. It kind of makes me feel like a super hero or like I have a part in Ghostbusters. What I’m trying to say is I really get a kick out of this thing. Specially train one of your kids to be an ace at identifying poison ivy so he/she can use the new really fun toy and maybe you will be able to obliterate the PI in your near vicinity!!
At a parent /family/scouting trip we were told by a hippieish college scout that if you are allergic to poison ivy it could also irritate your throat/respiratory system especially if you burn it. You said you have had a cough thing going on? Better get that Round up and stay out of the poison ivy! ( of course the chemicals could irritate the throat/respiratory too…)
! There are some women up here in good ol Indiana( there’s more than corn in Indiana…) that are selling wine jellies at the local farmer’s market – could bring in some extra bucks! I have a bucket of cherry tomatoes and 5 gigantic zucchini that are looking questionable! Hope you are itchless soon!
And wine jelly sounds pretty good – could be a great way to start the day
I HAVE THE ANSWER FOR YOU!!! THIS IS MY HUSBANDS “CURE ALL” ALCOHOL ALCOHOL ALCOHOL. He uses rubbing alcohol on this itchy area and I mean he soaks his legs in it. Then he takes a shot of Gentleman Jack to numb the burning sensation coming from his legs. Makes me laugh every time but it is always drying out by the next day. Hope this helps!
I haven’t had a towel rack in 8 years. Seriously. About 3 years ago, my step-father hung a new one for us – within 6 mos it had fallen out of hte wall… no doubt by some little child hanging off of it… I have no idea…
So, no towel rack. I got two back of the door hooks from Ikea and they are o.k. for hanging towels.. though they fall down as well (they never actually get put back on the door – I’m actually the only person capable of doing that for some reason)… but they go over the door and the towel goes on… my wall just has screw holes in it.. one day I’ll patch them up and paint.
Apparently with 4 kids, towel racks just won’t work here LOL I’ll try again when the oldest is 16. Maybe then, one will stay in?
Too funny. At first glance of the last sentence I thought you said you were “bitchy”. ahahaha
April. I. Love. You.
Does the chicken hang out in the poison ivy or eat seed, insects or other small food close to or in the poison ivy. If yes does the chicken get in the poison ivy and pass it onto the dog? Happened to me once. Chicken to dog to human or Did you have poison ivy and pass it onto the chicken who passed it onto the dog?? Follow the food chain.
Does the dog have a small piece of poison ivy or a poison ivy seed stuck and festering in his infected ear? If yes the puss or other ear drainage could have poison ivy in it. really gross to think about but it is possible. Do all your sickly pathetic animals have poision ivy? Poison ivy can also be in poop, think about it.
I suspect that the tooth fairy forgets more often than she remembers. At least she does in our house. Last time our eldest son lost a tooth, after several nights with the tooth fairy a no show, he told us ‘Hey Mum and Dad, I’m just going to put my tooth over here, on the table. Right next to Dad’s wallet’ Wouldn’t you know it, she remembered that night!
domeboro solution..it’s powder packs that you mix with water, soak a paper towel in it then lay it on the affected areas. It dries it up quickly. The doctor I worked for suggested this to all of his patients. Also good for bug bits.
I don’t remember the name of it, but there is a round, brown bar of soap that actually helps with poison ivy. Also, mosquito spray, the kind you spray on yourself to keep bugs away, kills poison ivy and practically every other plant it gets on. When I lived in MN, my Dr told me I should get shots for PI since it keeps getting worse each time. Then I moved to CA where they have Poison Oak, and I think I developed an immunity to PI because I never get it here and we had lots of it until I sprayed most of it or the horses ate it or our son weed whipped it. Anyway we don’t have as much now.