How many of you have children that follow too close behind? You know exactly what I mean, don’t you? They walk directly behind you, so if you stop suddenly, you are rear ended. Depending on which of my four children that’s following me, I can be body slammed to the ground or I feel a bowling ball sized head bounce off my butt.
Even more irritating than the butt bombardment is when they step on my GOSH DARN FLIP FLOPS!!!! I swear every fricking day one of them steps on the back of my flip flop! I have bruises on the top of my feet where the straps of my shoes have tried to severe my foot to prove it.
I appreciate that they want to stick with me, that they want to be close to me…but I’m not sure how much longer my feet can take the abuse and at some point my boys are going to run into me so hard it will send me flying straight into an ambulance with a broken hip.
The funny thing is, they know the second that they run into me or step on my shoe that they are going to get the death glare and words of fire from me. When I spin around to chew their little heads into gristle, you should see the Bambi face and the hands in surrender position that greet me.
“SORRY! Sorry Mom! Sorry! Sorry!”
“OH MY GOSH!!! HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU KIDS GOING TO STEP ON MY SHOES TODAY?! STOP FOLLOWING ME SO CLOSELY! WALK TO THE SIDE! THE SIDE….THE SIIIIIIIIDE!”
Sometimes I can predict when I’m about to be run into and I’ll quickly step aside so the child, in their dream like state, will bounce into another person or they will run into the shopping cart or they will stop suddenly and ask, “Where are we? How long have we been in this store? I’m hungry.” Okay, just kidding on that last one, except for the hungry part, that’s our family cheer, “I’m HUNGRY all day long, I’m HUNGRY is my SONG!” or something like that, there’s another verse about starving to death, haven’t eaten all day, never any food in this house and something about snacks. But, that’s beside the point…we’re talking about how my children never anticipate the distance between me and them!
When I’m in the grocery store and I know they are right behind me I will start shuffling my feet to avoid the foot strangulation that is bound to occur or I’ll start saying, “Don’t step on my shoes…please back up…don’t step…I JUST SAID TO BACK UP AND NOT STEP ON MY SHOES!!!!!”
I’ll take them by the arm and place them beside the cart,”Stay right here. Beside the cart…you…stay… BESIDE the cart.” But eventually they fall behind and take their spot inches from my back…bouncing off my butt. And if I let them push the cart? Oh Lord, you know what happens then, right? Do I need to show you the scars on my ankles? Have you ever seen a mother acting panicky just because her kid is pushing the shopping cart behind her? When I let the kids push the cart I’m a nervous wreck, prancing back and forth trying to avoid the inevitable, kicking my feet in front of me thankful for each step that hasn’t been gouged by the metal wrack on the cart. It’s a wonder I ever take them anywhere …isn’t it? And it’s a bigger wonder that my Achilles tendons are still in working order.