Clay is a gigantic dork-wad and that’s just the way I like him. He’s at our daughter’s basketball game right now and I’m at home trying to clean my house, but I keep getting distracted by pickled okra and crackers and broccoli florets and half a granola bar and a cup of stale coffee. Hey, what can I say? I’m procrastinating!
I don’t think I’ve ever done an ASK CLAY post, except in that photo he looks a bit more like Barry Gibbs, so we’re going to call this ASK BARRY and when he gets home I’ll tell him I posted this, so be sure to ask lots of questions before he pulls the plug on my procrastinating!
Also, he thinks he’s really smart, so please try to stump him! And if one of the questions could be, “Hey Clay, when are you going to replace the cute mug that April’s friend got her for Christmas that YOU shattered fifteen seconds after she poured the first cup of coffee in it because you leaned your big honkin’ butt up against the kitchen counter?” I would be ever so grateful.
And you’ll be happy to know that he has started writing the next episode of Big Blonde & Big Red Together Forever, or something like that.
Okay, get started…he’ll be home any minute!!!
Barry says he’s feverishly working on the answers! Thanks for participating in ASK BARRY, some of you are hilarious!
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Dear Barry
Who exactly does Chuck Norris call for back up? Did you use to pretend to be a Solid Gold Dancer as a child? Because you have the moves…woohoo! Do the writers of Lost do drugs? How many trucks could a tow truck tow if a tow truck could tow tow trucks? Was it wrong to send all those magazines subscriptions (ya know…the ones that say ‘bill me later’) to my ex back in college? (the statue of limitations has expired…I feel safe to ask this now). If you could be any Crayola color, what would it be?
Cheers!
What is the one thing that April does that drives you insane…not passionately insane…but crazy…not passionately crazy…just mad…not madly passionate…oh, you get the point!
You have 2 of the best traits giving to mankind! Red hair & a sense of humor. Oh, I forgot you are also tallish…..
Is it hard to live with the awsomeness that is April?
Will you be as tolerant as April’s Dad when some college guy wants to drag Ellen across the state line for whatever??
Is it hard to answer questions from people that can’t spell? I meant awesomeness or is it awesomness?
Geez. With all the strange things you were nibbling on I thought you were going to say you were delaying telling us you were preggers. And I thought that might seriously mess with your Damn Ramsey saving plan.
So, tell us Barry, would you love another little April or Clay running around the house?
Dear Clay or Barry: I was wondering if architects sometimes still draw blueprints by hand, or do you use the computer all the time? Also, did you have to design a building and draw the blueprints by hand when you were in college? I have no idea about an architect’s job, but I’ve always been curious about the blueprints. What was the field of architecture like 75 years ago?
Is the world going to hell in a handbasket or not? Is global warming another thing Al Gore invented or are we going to be drowned by melting polar ice caps? Why oh why do people buy jeans that already have rips and holes in them? Thank you for your wise answers in advance.
Clay- how are you today? Really, that’s my question. How are you today?
Clay,
How come Tarzan doesn’t have a beard?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when a revolver is thrown at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word, lisp?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
I was just wondering….
Barry,
I am like 10 months pregnant. Will this baby ever come?
Big as a Whale,
Soon-to-be new mom
Explain Sarah Palin to me. I can’t figure it out
If teenagers all want to express their individuality why do they all look the same?
how much milk does a yak give anyway?
Why do Americans think Irish people eat corned beef and cabbage???
Dear Barry Clay,
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Why is is I can go 2 years without any household electronic or maintaince problems, but then when I get 1 it’s followed by 5 within months?
Why does my son think it’s so funny to fart when he’s on my lap?
Will my husband ever be able to stop eating ice cream?
Do you want to come help us extract our honey this summer?
And finally, no cheating now…
What’s Clint’s middle name?
Clay, ummm Barry, uummm not sure who I’m addressing this to but my question for you is this. How do you get your kids to dance in the videos? When my kids were teenagers (they’re now in their 20′s)they would NEVER have danced with us like your kids do. Do you bribe them? if so, with what??? Also, you need to take care of the “Mug Issue”..April is waiting and so are all her readers. PS SO Hurry up with the new April/Clay post. We need it before Valentines Day…PLEASE
Dear Theresa with the 13 year old,
Maybe you and I should talk.
Maria with the almost 12 year old (see above)
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Dear Barry,
Are all architects so fascinated by buildings that when driving they frequently veer off the road, almost driving their families to their deaths because they are craning their neck to look at buildings they have just passed or is it just my architect husband? Just wondering.
Do possums hibernate in the winter?
Dear Barry,
What is the fascination among the male species with farting. It is a never-ending source of amusement in our home!
Dear Barry Clay:
How much time daily do you put into worshipping April. Because I’m not sure if my husband is logging the correct time, so I just need some kind of guide line.
Thanks!
Wow, I’ve got nothing to ask but I certainly can’t wait to see how you answer some of them. Good luck.
Why does my husband get belly button lint, but I don’t? And why does he leave it in the toilet, just floating there like a tiny, drowning spider? Why, Clay/Barry, why?
PS I just recently found your site and I’m slowly falling in love with it! Thanks for being wacky.
Dear Clay/Barry,
My husband is 6″6′ tall. Where do you shop for clothes to fit? Or maybe that is more a question for April ….
Dear Clay Barry Clay – when are you going to start answering questions? Why couldn’t I dance like April even when I was young and well-built and short, and not old and stumpy and short?
Nancy in Iowa
Hey Barry you know that sound that the turning signal makes. Tell me is it kerblink or blinker? Think about this before you answer
Dear Barry, why did your brother Andy break up with that chick from “Dallas”? What exactly are “the secrets of bees”? What is the most efficient way to skin a chicken?
Dear Barry:
How can you tell when saurkraut goes bad?
Signed, Greta
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
There is but one question: Isn’t it about time we had part 10 of the How We Met story? I mean, not that I’m impatient or anything. But, you know, it’s been, what, 2 months? Do we have to drag it out of you? Did you buy the map or not? Inquiring minds want to know.
Wait, I guess that’s more than one question. O.K., answer whichever one you want.
Cute. You’re cute. Am I the only old lady who’s developed a crush on you? Who cares how you met April; I want to know how you can ditch April so WE can meet.
Forgive me, Father-God; I didn’t really mean it. I love my husband.
Barry,
How many rings are there around Uranus?
Hey Barry,
How could I get a bleach spot on the butt of my new pants that I LEEOOOVVEE!!!????
Am I just a clutz or am I genetically prone to bleach mishaps?
Clay- in the “Bust It” dance montage, there is moment (around the 2:00 mark) where April gives you this… look. It is THE look- one of total love.
so the question is this…
how’d you get so lucky?
1)Do you have a twin I could marry? With the same exact personality?
I had more – but I’m distracted…
Your wife and kids are so lucky!!
Hey Clay, where’d you get your great dance moves?? I’m serious, I can tell you can really dance. Did your parents dance around the house when you were young? Like you and April do now?? =) I can see your son is taking after his Daddy cuz he was bustin a move in the video. Keep it up and post more videos!!!!! Janet in AZ
how many times have you been contacted by “so you think you can dance”?
Hi Barry/Clay- I just found April’s blog and have wasted many an hour at work reading. She’s great! You’re great! The kids are great!
My question is- are your readers always this funny? Some of these questions are cracking me up!
Why is it that grown men will urinate standing beside each other for all the world to see or will shower in the dressing room after hockey alonside 4 or 5 other grown men….but will not sleep together in a double bed?
where did my abs go?
Dear Barry,
If it snows AGAIN in Virginia, will you please come and shovel for me? And bring April. She’s funny.
I’m STARVING! What’s for lunch?
I would like to know why is it that every time you are about to leave for vacation, work becomes messy and chaotic? It can be quiet for months and then bam! Problems, new customers, etc….all at once.
What qualities will you tell your children to look for in a prospective mate?
Dear Barry,
What’ your favorite sport to play, not watch?
How come at 40 I can’t eat like I did at 20, why is mother nature so cruel?!
Hey Barry How difficult is it to count rings around uranus?