Clay is a gigantic dork-wad and that’s just the way I like him. He’s at our daughter’s basketball game right now and I’m at home trying to clean my house, but I keep getting distracted by pickled okra and crackers and broccoli florets and half a granola bar and a cup of stale coffee. Hey, what can I say? I’m procrastinating!
I don’t think I’ve ever done an ASK CLAY post, except in that photo he looks a bit more like Barry Gibbs, so we’re going to call this ASK BARRY and when he gets home I’ll tell him I posted this, so be sure to ask lots of questions before he pulls the plug on my procrastinating!
Also, he thinks he’s really smart, so please try to stump him! And if one of the questions could be, “Hey Clay, when are you going to replace the cute mug that April’s friend got her for Christmas that YOU shattered fifteen seconds after she poured the first cup of coffee in it because you leaned your big honkin’ butt up against the kitchen counter?” I would be ever so grateful.
And you’ll be happy to know that he has started writing the next episode of Big Blonde & Big Red Together Forever, or something like that.
Okay, get started…he’ll be home any minute!!!
Barry says he’s feverishly working on the answers! Thanks for participating in ASK BARRY, some of you are hilarious!
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Dear Barry…er..Clay,
This is a question I need a man to answer so I think you fit the bill. Here goes…do you think shoes can be sexy? And if you do, do you think some shoes are too sexy to be worn to church (stilletto heels, for example)? Please let me know before this Sunday. Thanks.
“Hey Clay, when are you going to replace the cute mug that April’s friend got her for Christmas that YOU shattered fifteen seconds after she poured the first cup of coffee in it because you leaned your big honkin’ butt up against the kitchen counter?”
Oh, and also? What are your top ten favorite things about your fabulous wife? (April, you could get in on this and tell me your top ten about “barry” too.
Dear Barry
Is it imtimidating to be married to someone so awesome? I think my husband is sometimes overwhelmed with my greatness, so I thought maybe you could let me know how you handle it. Should I put a damper on my total fabulousness, or just let me be me?
xoxo
me
Clay looks like the guy from the Jimmy Dean commercials.
Dear Clay Barry,
I have been wondering what kind of advise you would give to your sons once they get old enough to get married…I would say, “You don’t know what you are getting into, girls are complex.”
The Wonderer
What’s your favorite building? Also, do you know what the 7th tallest building in the world is? (From a 9 year old Chicago architecture buff).
I know a way to add “awsomeness” to your farm: Get two good work horses, (or yaks if you need wool and milk) and plow a couple of acres for April’s garden. Your boys will be taking turns fetching you lemonade and steering the plow. You’ll have been working since the crack of dawn- say 4:45am. After 7 hours of this nonsense, what would you want your beautiful bride to fix you for the noon meal??
Do you know the name of the St. Louis area band that later became Uncle Tupelo? Do you know the well-known bands that came out of Uncle Tupelo?
Now that your wife’s blog – and by association – your writing – is becoming famous (infamous?) what is your strategy for remembering the little people who have loved you from the very beginning?
Dear Barry,
Have you considered taking your dance skills on the road? I’m thinking a you could teach a class for other husbands across the US who can’t hear the music or find a beat. I’m not going to name any names, here, but if you were to come…say…to Indiana, and run across a seriously white guy named…say…Jeff, he might belong to me. And he needs your help.
Dear Barry,
What is your favorite song that you and your brothers recorded??
Dear Mr. Gibb,
Could you explain to my eleven year old son how bees make honey? And please, NO regurgitated nectar…he will never eat honey again!
Thank you.
Your biggest fan, (honest…I have all your albums)
Sandy
In the course of human events, I find myself compelled to ask the question…Dear Barry Clay, or Clay Barry: Does the chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight? And how do you know?
If you could build anything anywhere what would it be?
What tree would you be if you had Babwa WaWa asking you questions in your living room?
What makes you cry?
I have an old four square house (built in 1910-ish) with a finishable attic that has a dormer window on the front of the house. When we finish the attic, I’d like to add at least two more dormers, but my husband says that would ruin the architecture. Your thoughts? (I can provide pictures, if you’d like.)
Dear Barry,
So in some of your dance photos and dance videos it kind of looks like you know some swing dancing–specifically west coast swing. Is this true? Because that would blow my mind. It’s cool though if you don’t know WCS– I think it’s awesome that you get the whole family together and dance regardless. I was just wondering…
So tell us, is it really global warming or something more sinister?
Dear Barry,
Can you please explain to me in the most simplistic way possible what the hey is going on on LOST?!
Dear Barry,
I have become convinced that my dishwasher sounds just like the Tardis. I can’t decide if this means I am watching too much Doctor Who or not enough. What do you think?
When, oh when, is the next installment of the Clay and April saga going to be posted?
Uh Barry Clay – what’s ur favorite Elvis song or was that before your time – I mean I know you are young.
I would like to know how he finally got father-in-law-to-be to like him. Before or after the wedding? Or is it still a little bit iffy in that relationship?
Where did you learn your sweet dance moves?
When will you write more of your love story with April?
When are you going to replace that special coffee mug already?
Hey Barry,
Is it true the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?
Susan
Barry, Did you ever want to be a Solid Gold dancer?
O.K., really,
Clay, how do you keep the fun and excitement in your marriage?
What should I do when our rooster starts to attack me?
How are you going to handle Ellen’s first date? Do you have a list of questions to ask? Are you going to be cleaning a gun? Practicing your snake handling skills?
The Park Wife
Dear Barry,
What makes the red man red?
Thanks!
Hi Barry,
Do you have any tall single friends or brothers who are as, or nearly as, great as you are, and would they like to visit Canada? Just wondering…
Dear Barry White,
What’s your opinion on recycled denim as an insulation material? And what’s your favorite sustainable building material?
Finally, what’s your favorite body part on April?
Hi Clay,
My butt isn’t really big, but it’s not tiny either. It’s just average-ish. Would a claret red backless dress with very small crystal beads along the hem make my butt look big?
Dear Barry, Do you suffer from Male refrigerator blindness as countless other men do?
Dear Barry, why did Don Knotts really leave the Andy G. show? He says its because he thought Andy was leaving and then he had some gigs (strong work ethic) come his way before he found out that Andy was really staying. Wow, full run on sentence. p.s. I am proud to say I read Don Knott’s autobiography. I think you know the real truth tho. Please answer this question, before you fake answer that Lost one, so I can get some sleep.
How can I stop myself from reading entertaining blogs such as this when I should be getting ready for bed?
Dear Almost Barry,
My daughter is almost 12. She is very helpful around the house, and does her (home)school work. She is polite and kind.She is a bright spot in my life. However, she’s started to roll her eyes, she says I embarrass her daily and she thinks I sing off key. She also hates it when I dance like April. But she thinks April and your family are great (as seen on video.) Tell me, O Wise One, is this it? Am I doomed to be a stupid parent in her eyes? Am I no longer on a pedestal? Do I prepare myself for the other teenage angst shoe to drop? And if the answers to these questions are “look out, lady!” then tell me, how do I cope with the upcoming years??? Besides drinking each evening like they did in the 50′s.
I know that is more than one question, and maybe I should refer this to your daughter instead of you, Mr. Gibb. Your probably too busy recording…..
…and about that mug you sat on?! What’s with that????
Sincerely,
Maria
Clay/Barry, Facts of Life—are you assigned to the boys for that duty??
And I think you look more like Earl, from My Name is Earl.
Dear Ask Clay,
What do you plan to give your wife for her 40th birthday? Is it possible that a mountain in Oregon with a massive timber- built architectural beauty on top of it could be part of the celebration?
Dear Carry, or Blay or what ever…..
I live in Minnesota, the second tundra on the right. My question is:
Do they have hit men for groundhogs? Someone has to do something about that animal. 6 more weeks of winter? Help!
Could you buy my daughter an iTouch for her birthday? She really wants one, and it’s just not going to happen otherwise.
Also, how do you say, “It’s pouring…really bucketing down” in French?
Let’s put this rest once and for all: Can you wear white after Labor Day?
Do you like cheese?
When, oh when, will the love story continue?
Do you really think it’s true that Al Gore invented the Internet?
Do YOU think I’m being “lame” when I pick my kids up from school and I’m blasting the Bay City Rollers, “Saturday Night?”
Where in the world IS Carmen San Diego and Waldo?
Do you think my two puppies will ever become potty trained or will I have a nervous breakdown from the constant puppy poo in my house?
Can you teach my husband to dance so I no longer have to close my eyes when dancing with him to keep my rhythm?
Oh gosh, I used to love the BeeGees when I was, like, eight or nine. I had trading cards even. Now after sharing that, I feel a bit funny asking my questions, but I’m going to do it anyway. Why The Cure? While you were into The Cure, did you go around dressed kinda funny? Were you all emo before emo ever was? Are there pictures? Can we see? Because I once had this boyfriend (What was I thinking?!?)who was real into The Cure, and I’m having trouble picturing you this way. Which was your favorite song? Will there ever be a family dance video to songs by The Cure? How about a BeeGees dance video?
Barry, do you know that your voice reminds me of one of The Waltons. Jim Bob I think?
Dear Barry,
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
If train A leaves Toronto traveling 200km/hr and train B leaves Montreal traveling 250km/hour and the distance between the two cites is 539 kilometres how far from Toronto will it be when the two trains meet?
Dear Barry, when will the love story continue? How about when you told the folks you wanted to marry while still in college? That must have been a hideous scene! We wanna hear all the gory stuff! Also, if you finish off a pan of brownies and blame the toddler, will you gain weight? By the way , how deep is your love?
What is one thing that April does that makes you feel valued and loved? What is one thing you could do for her to make her feel the same?
Dear Clay/Barry,
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? I hope you can answer this question as I have worried over it for many years. Thank You!
Dear Barry,
What really does come first – the chicken or the egg?
Do you help your wife with the housework? Is your home ever spotlessly clean without company coming? Are you the head of your household? Do you read the Bible?
Dear Barry,
Why do little boys like to use the words poopie head and butt? For that matter, I hear it carries over into male adulthood, is this true?
Sincerely,
Mommie is a poopie head.
Who taught you to dance? What do you have to pay your kids for them letting you post your dances on the web?
I just started seeing this amazingly awesome guy…How soon is too soon for a first kiss?
I have a lovely 13 year old daughter. She is sweet and kind. She plays the guitar and dances ballet. Big HOWEVER…lately she has begun telling me that she doesn’t want to be pretty, dress pretty or cute and she has started to act not so nice. Her pretty brown hair that she used to pull into a ponytail now hangs limp in her face. She wears a uniform to school, but at home wants to wear clothes that could be described as “emo”. Should we (husband and I) just ride with this wave of teen angst and let her express herself this way, or should we tell her what we think and try to “straighten her out” as my mom says. Thank you ever so much!!