…and off to Hannibal we went.
It was hot, both inside and outside the Concord. And when I say hot outside, I mean hot and moist. St. Louis is a “sweat in the morning, frizzy hair, don’t touch me, peel your moist skin off the vinyl” place most of the summer. I don’t know why God thought, “sure the Midwest gets hot, but it’s just not sticky enough, let’s put the source of all things humid right there where those two rivers come together….muuuuhahahahahahahaaaaa” but he did. St. Louis’ summers are the result of his fine work. However, we had our goal in mind and we were determined to spend the day in watery, cool fun.
We took turns driving the 90 minute trip north so that no one person had to endure the licking tongues of flame on the passenger side for too long. After a long car ride. We arrived, hot and sweaty, and ready for cool. And it was a great day. We slid, dunked, lapped, submerged, sprayed, splashed and rode the waves…for about 12 hours.
We also scoped. Anyone know what that is? I’ll let you guess, but I’ll give you a hint that pasty white skin on a half naked, very thin dude doesn’t help…at all. Anyway, we had a great time until it got too dark to see and the lifeguards escorted us off the premises.
We threw our stuff back into the kiln and headed off to get something to eat. Again, we spent the 20 minute ride back to Hannibal in dreadful heat. I mean it was really hot, “Holy crap balls, does it seem hotter in here? It’s supposed to be cooler now that the Sun has gone down.” “Yes, it’s hot, and you’re not the one sitting in the hot seat.” “Yea, but man, it’s hot anyway.” “It’s this stupit car that we drove all the way to stupit Hannibal.” “Shut your stupi-ndous face, there’s Ponderosa man, let’s eat there.”
We got out of the car and walked into the entrance of Ponderosa. About three steps into the joint we stopped. Everyone in the store, including the employees, were looking at us. It was more of a slack jawed stare filled with wide eyes and horror. You know, the look that always follows an intense record scratch and a gasp of breath…that kind of stare.
It was at this point that I turned my head and looked at Todd. Todd, the only one of us that tans, was beet red. Stop sign red. Candy apple red. Sun-freakin’-burn red. I stared at him for a second, turned my head back to the Hannibal Ponderosa community and gulped. If tan-man Todd was that red, I was pretty sure pasty-white Clay wasn’t going to survive the night. I immediately felt my skin begin to suck all of the moisture out of the restaurant. As we approached the counter all of the ice melted in the soda machine. I also think I heard someone cry out “IT BURNS!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, IT BURNS!!!” but I can’t verify that. I was a little preoccupied and trying to act like every pore in my body wasn’t shooting flames into the atmosphere We ate with very little conversation and a couple of times I had to scream, “I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!” But I really can’t blame the people, Gary and Todd looked like human heat lamps. I think a few people reheated their meals under our chins.
After we finished eating we sizzled back to the Concord and drove the rest of the way home. It was a long, hot drive where we took turns hanging our heads out the window and then pulling them in because the wind felt like needles. I spent most of my time hovering above my seat to avoid being burned at the stake while trying not to let my shirt, that felt like 30 grit sandpaper raking across my fried skin, touch me in anyway. The conversation was thin due to the open window and the heat and the 3rd degree burns, but we eventually made it home.
It was a few long days of blisters and Aloe Vera and feeling sick. Sunburn sick is not fun. For those of you who know, I’m sorry I had to bring it up. For those of you who don’t, think of a flu where you spend a lot of time in a cold bath and there is a need to have a fan constantly blowing a cool breeze across your smoldering flesh, but not too much lest the air begins to feel like knives stabbing at your well done carcass. After the sickness passes, you get to enjoy the blisters and the peeling skin, large transparent sheets of yourself peeling off not once but twice or three times before your skin decides it will heal only to leave you four thousand more freckles in honor of your summer adventure. Fun stuff.
That was the end of my severe sunburn days. After I had healed, I vowed to become an avid user of the sunscreen that comes in a pink bottle with a baby’s butt hanging out of her swimtrunks and wouldn’t you know that even a thick coating of 50+ sunscreen is not enough to protect me from a burn if I’m in the sun too long. Why I don’t live deep in a cave with the walking undead is beyond me.
Then again, I am pretty hot.
Need a Chicken Doctor?
Contact 
Oh my. That was flippin’ hilarious. What a vivid description. And the picture! I don’t usually use those annoying letter thingies but ROFLOL.
We are very stupid people. I had my last child at 25. I suppose it is good that we stopped pro-creating. It was a rough pregnancy with me on bedrest and our two older children in daycare. I spent 13 weeks counting contractions and going back and forth to the hospital and home. Then, they took me off the drugs I was on and… nothing. Sooooo… we went to the beach. We boogie boarded until I caught an awesome wave and ran myself up on the beach like a great white whale. I am very fair. In fact, freckles are the only source of color on my skin… well, no… you can see my blue veins too. That’s color. Anyway, we burned. I swelled. I had toxemia with my first child so we went to the hospital later that night. My husband puked and laid on the cold floor. They said I swelled because of the sunburn. We could tell the hospital staff all thought we were idiots. A couple days later I did end up with toxemia and gained five pounds giving birth to an 8 lb 11 oz baby. My husband ended up with melanoma five years ago. He’s fine now. But, yeah… sun burns suck.
I’m a glow-in-the-dark kind of gal and when I was 19 I went to Florida to visit a friend of my parents. She knew I wanted to get a little bit of a tan, so she sent me into her backyard with olive oil and huge towel, the morning after a very late movie night. I fell asleep and was very quickly FRIED, as though I had just laid myself down on the surface of the sun. I use sunscreen and or 1000 layers of clothes now — it wasn’t worth it!
That was too funny! You have a way with telling stories.
Ah, you bring back such good memories.
Clay, you made me laugh. I felt like I was reading a Dave Barry column:)
That was awesome Clay. April must laugh all the time…um…with you. Have a nice day!
Well, you were a cautionary tale for the people in Ponderosa. I bet somewhere someone is saying, “oh yeah, remember those teens we saw in Ponderosa, now THEY had a sunburn…”
Ah summer in St. Louis. I’ll be honest – I miss the activities, but I sure as heck don’t miss the humidity. I often questioned the purpose of taking a shower when as soon as you stepped outside you’d need another.
I’ve fried myself really bad only twice. Once while participating in a canoe race (we dumped the canoe shortly after departing and lost the sunscreen), and once while in Florida fishing for tarpin. I put sunscreen on every hour dutifully yet still spent the next week looking like a lobster. *sigh* I hate sunburns.
LOL! This was the funniest one yet! No, I’m not laughing at your pain! Okay, maybe a little.
I come from a family of redheads on my mom’s side–pasty redheads. I must take after my dad’s side because I almost never burn (never blister), and when I was young and spent all my days outside, I looked like a little blonde-haired, blue-eyed Mexican. Danny is some kind of freak of nature because he has the red hair and the naturally pale skin, but he spends his days working in the sun, doesn’t burn too badly, and tans up very nicely. Then there is Caleb (our 18yo). Since he was a baby people have asked us if he was half black, Mexican, Native American, or Middle Eastern. Often the people asking are one of those things themselves. His best friend is Mexican, and when he goes to one of their family parties, the family always comments on how Caleb looks more like he belongs than his friend. I swear he’s ours, though!
Hilarious! I don’t usually burn, but my poor husband does. He feels your pain!
Clay, I feel your pain. I am at this moment still brushing flakes of skin from my scalp and my arms from one afternoon without a hat.
I am sorry for laughing at your pain but i can relate in a number of ways. First of all I have that pale skin that always burns and I have been there with the serious burns-it hurts to move because your skin has to move for you to move! And unbelievably we moved to Florida-so I can relate when I see people who are literally crayola crayon red-it hurts to look at them-thanks for the laugh!
Clay you are so funny….April is such a lucky girl!!
Ahhh yes, my honeymoon. Livin it up on Sanibel Island in Florida. Only day 2 of our week long tropical paridise. I spent the next 4 days in bed, ALONE, “dont touch me!!!” The condo had sand fleas that nipped at my burned body. Did I mention I bought a “honeymoon” teeny-weeny bikini? People at the beach tried to warn us, but the sun cast that bluish haze that made me seem not so crimson. Now I’m all zink, all the time.
As another life time member of the pale tribe I can certainly relate to your pain. I’ve finally learned to hide in the shade and only come out in the evenings. No wonder my Vitamin D levels are so low.
I went with some ladies to a retreat this last weekend. We went swimming. I skipped the sunscreen thinking it was cloudy and we weren’t going to be out that long (we ended up being out for 2 hours) and I tan pretty easily. Well…not Saturday! For the last three days (except Sunday in which I suffered in capris — suffering for Jesus, you know!) I have been in short shorts and tank tops to keep the burned flesh happy. Ouch!! I will definitely NOT skip the sunscreen next time!
I’ve always used the baby-grade sunblock and LOVE that it comes in a pump bottle; I have to reapply every 2 hours. I feel your pain.
Been there. Not fun. My skin holds on to the scars from the burns I’ve managed to get. The sun prep I require is worth it. May I recommend the great products that have zinc oxide, yet disappear into your skin. They’re typically thick and come in tubes or jars (and some chain drug stores have store brands). They work really well.
Family reunion, Bismarck, ND. 1994. Missouri River sand bank. All day long, no sunscreen.The kids fared better than the adults, somehow; I remember while trying to sleep that night I’d get my back close to my husband’s face so while he breathed out it would act like a fan to my sunburned shoulders!
One time i was outside in the sun for 5 hours. it was so fun and i didnt use sunblock. i just tanned perfectly! it was amazing!
Freaking A this is hi-LAR-i-ous!! Thank you, for a fab laugh!
Have to say. The girl with the butt hanging out is no good. BANANA BOAT every time. I only use the 15 sport but am able to be in the sun all day. tried the other one year when I forgot mine. My sister had 45 of the butt girl. burned to a crisp even reappling hourly. Also found out the hard way that a tea bath is really soothing. Last burn I had took a tea bath after and no peeling. I’m a natural blond and my skin is definitly pale, and was burned bad enough that I should have peeled so I keep tea bags around for burns.
I laughed my butt off. Thanks I needed that it has been a long 24 hours. I think I will head off to bed thanks again for lift………..
Come on now, don’t tell me you didn’t have a bit of fun with your friends seeing who could peel off the biggest piece of skin?
You bring back very vivid memories of my childhood/teen years. I think we’ve all gotten the killer burn at least once.
Thanks for the laugh and walk down memory lane.
And to think April married you anyway–with your pasty white skin.
Thanks for the laugh this morning, Clay. You and April are so funny!!! God knew what he was doing when he brought the two of y’all together.
cool
I just have to say: LOL!!!
The colorful description at the end made the bile rise in my throat as I thought of the last time my pasty skin was fricasseed. I laid in bed at night in sheer agony, unable to roll over for fear that the sandpaper sheets would rub against my skin as my husband gently snored next to me with his golden glowing tan. I thought about running my fingernails down his arm or his side just to let him share in my agony, but instead got up, went to the freezer and retrieved popsicles that I placed on the back of my red lobster legs. I believe it took four days before I was able to roll over in bed again. Now I look like a vampire and avoid the sun at all costs.
Okay… I laughed until I cried!! We can all relate to a good sunburn story and your description of the car ride killed me! It only makes it better that I am FROM HANNIBAL!!! I myself have gotton burned at that very same water park and probably been stared at by the very same Ponderosa crowd once or twice. The only way it could have been funnier is if you had walked into the senior citizen filled Mark Twain Dinnette. Thanks soooo much for the laughs and the reminder of good hometown memories. Keep up the writting. April’s a riot and so are you!
OMG!!! We had a Concord that did the same thing! And I spent a day at the beach with all of my friends and did the baby oil thing (we all think we’re so smart at 16) and was unable to wear anything but my bathing suit for four days! I was so red that everyone was staring at me wherever we went. My eyes just didn’t see it. My skin came off in sheets and I had a million more freckles when I was done. I love the beach but look like a loon whenever I go. Huge hat, sunglasses, sunscreen, towels draped over every inch of skin, reading a book while my friends sit there in near nakedness tanning so nicely. I share your pain memories!!
You hurt me, I was literally crying as I was laughing. Unfortunately my husband now thinks I’m a little crazy. . .
I used to get sooooooo sunburned in the days before sunscreen. yes there once was a time it didnt exist! you feel so sick and miserable. I havent thought about those days for quite some time. thanks…I guess.
Oh, and try living in Houston Texas. Hot humid hell.
It becomes obvious that there is a lot to know about this. I believe you have made a lot of fantastic points in your article.
I just found you blog on google.. It has awesome stuff.. Deff recommend it..
Thanks for the Post, thanks for this fine Post. I will come back later * Great information about tanning: self tanner reviews