Hi, April here. You all have no idea the monster that was created when you left comments to Clay’s posts when I was at camp and unable to blog on a regular basis. Now he thinks he needs to write all of the stories I’ve heard nine billion times for the whole world to hear. The man really is a good story teller. One of his fellow architect buddies once said to him, “Clay, you have a funny $##! story for EVERYTHING!” and it’s true. I felt I should share this side of my life with you so that you too can enjoy the Clay stories, but honestly, it’s the best when you hear them in person, because there are lots of sound effects, facial expressions and awkward body gestures that accompany the tale. Click here to read his other posts and enjoy this latest installment.
Gary, Todd, and I planned a driving trip to a brand new water park about an hour and a half north of our town and about 20 minutes west of Hannibal, Missouri.
Who is Todd you ask? He was, and still is, the third member of the Gary, Clay, and Todd trio. Todd started hanging out with Gary and me just before the seventh grade, mostly because he played D&D and I was really into it. Yes, I said D&D. My name is Clay, I’m a huge dork and my 13th level Ranger can kick your butt. Just so you have a picture, Todd is 6’-1” and around 250 pounds and considers April Fool’s Day his favorite holiday. I’m not kidding, he gave a speech on it in English class. He also gave a speech on the proper tying of knots and included the whole class. They loved it. I once gave a speech on shoving a stick in my eye while the entire class looked shocked and horrified. Todd’s speeches were much better.
It was Todd’s idea to drive up to this water park, spend the day frolicking around in a wave pool and water slides and then come home and enjoy the memories. It was Gary’s idea to have his Dad call AAA and get a TripTick. I didn’t have any ideas so I was told to ask my Dad if we could borrow the car.
Asking for the car was going to be a big, big challenge. I had used the car, a red AMC Concord, several days before to drive the three of us to the IGA to grab some stuff. This was just after Dad had finished cleaning my clock with a mighty tongue lashing. I’m sure it had something to do with his desk lamp and how I was to be very careful so that it didn’t break. Anyway, I was upset when I left the house. I climbed into the Concord and drove across the street to Gary’s place.
Gary’s driveway was a single lane wide with two enormous bushes on either side of the street. So if you wanted to get out of the car you had to drive completely into the driveway so that you were past the bushes, or you had to stop short of the bushes with the rear end of the car sticking out into the street. On this day, I pulled all the way in.
Todd climbed into the back seat, Gary got into the passenger side and I started pulling out of the driveway. But I was still preoccupied with Dad’s “conversation” and started to pull out before Gary shut the door. He started yelling “Clay…Clay…CLAY CLAY CLAY!!” while I was zoned out and thinking about all of the clever things I should have said. The first noise I heard was of wrenching metal, a prolonged screech and crumple. I got out of the car and went around to the passenger side. The door, Gary’s door, was laying flat against the front fender because I had backed it over the bushes, Gary’s bushes. It was still on its hinges, but now it was pushed all the way to the front. We looked it over for a second and with a monumental heave that you only read about in posts, the three of us pushed it back into place. It never, ever opened again.
One more thing you should know, the heater on the Concord, through no fault of my own, was stuck on. Always. No matter the outside temperature, it was always a boiling 98 degrees inside. You could usually alleviate the blast furnace effect by rolling down the window on the passenger side…but, um, that was now out of the question. So really, I didn’t ask Dad if I could borrow the car, I asked him if I could take the rolling kiln for a spin. Dad said yes.
We prepared ourselves for the trip and set out on probably the hottest day that summer…
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Hey, I owned a car with heat only too. Now finish the rest of the story!
Bwahahahaha! POS cars – I had a Pinto. Yes, the exploding Pinto.
Hello, I discovered your blog, and love it – you are too funny. Many of your words could come from me, but I can’t write it that eloquently. I am also a tall girl (6 feet), and can feel how hard it is to find decent clothes at decent prices that don’t make you look like an idiot, or make your belly button and ankles stick out. E-bay is my best friend. (For my kids, garage sales and consignment stores). Thanks for giving me many laughs in the morning and good luck with the job!
Alexandra
Oh thanks for a good laugh this am…I needed it!
Paula
Oh geeze Clay, can you please make your own blog so if April ever blocks you from blogging here we can still hear about about Todd & Gary?
I loved my parents’ AMCs growing up! The best part? That you could take the key out of the ignition while it was still running! (Hey – I was just an itty bitty kid.) We had a Gremlin. And a Hornet. Heck, we had all the wacky cars – including a Pinto.
I married a big D & D geek, too. Geeks rule, when they’re all grown up (when you’re all in high school: maybe not so much.) But seriously: is it time for Clay to get his own darned blog?
Ha, ha! I once “helped” my husband back into his sister’s car as he was leaving the driveway.
I’ve been known to roll a d20. Soo funny many years later when we know you survived the wrath …
That car sounds an awful lot like The Beast, which is what I call the red Suburban sitting in our driveway. Oh the things that car has suffered from Caleb and Jordan driving it! The heat is permanently stuck on in The Beast, too, but at least the windows are once again operable.
Great beginning for a story. I agree that your stories are even funnier in person, though. I’d love to see a demonstration of someone over 6′ frolicking. Please let me know when you and April decide to do that stand up comedy tour. I’ll buy tickets and tell everyone I know to go see it.
You can post Todd stories anytime. I have a 5yo Todd who is shaping up to be just like the Todd you describe. I think its a connection shared by all Todds throughout history.
I have five boys and stuff like this goes on around here every day.
Boys. Gotta love ‘em. Or you’ll want to kill ‘em.
My first car? An American Motors Hornet – two-tone, four-door. The monthly payment was something like $63.76!
Memories!
~Mad(elyn) in Alabama
Thanks to Damn Ramsey I drove my minivan without ac for 2 years. We called it the Punjabi bus. We now have a/c in the new vehicle but it’s been raining since June here in the NorthEast so we’ve had no need for it. Damn Ramsey and all the cleavage sweat I had to endure!!!
Gary and Todd. Hey, I thought I was reading Pioneer Woman there for a minute and you were talking about the Different Strokes folks.
I did that same exact thing to my somewhat new Cavalier in the year 1988. Only it was a stick shift and I left it out of gear with the driver door open while it was running to go get something in the backyard. I heard that horrible sound and almost got sick. I KNEW what it was before I saw it.
Clay reminds me a lot of my sweetie. It’s good to know they don’t get less silly as time goes on.
My dad had a vw in the 70′s that had a heater stuck in the BLAST position. We called it “The Heater” because we were witty and original…
OMG. AMC Concord. Possibly the worst and yet most fun car EVER for a teenager. My older sister had one. Poop Brown. The car had no *reverse* function so we had to drive around parking lots ForEver till we found a spot to “pull through”. Awesome Car.
April – 10/6/1970…
Alright then, Clay. I got my own blog. Now you gotta get yer own and tell us some more stories.
My first car in 1984 was a Plymouth Duster. No power steering…no power breaks…and NO HEAT!!! In the winter, I had to scrape ice from the inside of the car. You drove the rolling kiln, I drove what my friends called the Freezin Screamer, but that’s a whole ‘nother story. Love your stories Clay, keep ‘em comin.
“An hour and a half north of our town and about 20 minutes west of Hannibal, Missouri”
You have to say what high school you went to. That is always important to put in any story from the St. Louis area! Maybe that is in the next installment??
I’m guessing you are refering to “The Landing”? We have property in Center, MO (near Perryville), but live in the metro St. Louis area.
he he I had a Pinto too! It was dark green ’76. Rolling oven . . .
My first car was a cousin of your dad’s car, a red AMC Gremlin, with the never-off always-on heater w/ no air conditioning of-course. I had the pleasure of driving this car every week 25 miles one way to the doctor’s office, my last month of my pregnancy, in August, in central Florida! Talk about a bun in the oven!
I’ve never owned an AMC Concord, and unless I can find someone who owns a good example, I probably never will. Nevertheless, I’ve always loved the styling of the car. It may be conservative in styling, but I love conservative styling cars. My favourite car is the 1978 AMC Concord, like the one in the picture. It’s too bad they didn’t keep the front grille and front end. That’s probably the best part of the car.
I was looking for travel and flight articles this was good