Are you tired of being friends with someone? Then I would suggest my good friend Mrs. Mama’s strategy to sever the relationship.
First, you are going to need to be the most generous person on earth. This means doing things like:
-saying yes to feeding and watering four stinky, muddy pigs that bury their feed trough deep in the bowels of the earth and try to avoid letting them slime you with mud, which is impossible.
-taking care of thirty some chickens and one mean rooster that attacks your leg when you are innocently looking around wondering where the rooster might be hiding.
-driving twelve miles to pick up your friends little boys and watch them all day while your friend works.
-baking homemade bread for your friend and while you are doing this you might send a sweet email to your friend telling her that you want her daughter to go on vacation with you.
-taking lots of great photos of your so-called friends family.
-now that you have your friend sufficiently buttered up, you need to ask if she will join you in an exercise program.
-the program begins at 6:00 in the OH DARK morning.
-you have been doing Kung Fu and Chai Tea and Krav Maga and Fuji Film Fighting classes and are in pretty darn good shape.
-you love to get up early in the morning and you know your friend likes to start her day a bit later and it will be very painful for her to get up so early and drive to this OH DARK exercise program.
-the first day you greet your friend with so much enthusiasm she has to ask you to please stop smiling and could you also turn the radiant beams of light down a bit that are emitting from every pour of your sweet face.
-now you are going to need to be super encouraging to your very out of shape, lazy, late-sleeping friend by saying things like, “Come on April, you can do it, just forty more squats!” and this one is pretty good, “Slow and steady wins the race!” or how about these great uplifting words, “We are going to be so fit and trim!” all while your bouncing around and wearing that sickly sweet smile.
-your friend keeps glaring at you and telling you that you don’t need to be so happy, but remember the goal here is to get rid of this friend, make her despise every inch of your chiseled triceps and charming demeanor.
-now you have your friend exhausted, sweating, stinking, on the verge of puking and she is wondering why on earth she agreed to do this with you.
-as you both walk to your car you need to again use that precious smile and say, “Golly, I hope your not too sore tomorrow.”
-when you get home send your friend a perky email asking her how she’s doing and if you are still friends, because you want to make sure your evil plan is working.
-you are happy when your friend replies, “You are no longer my friend. You are the producer of pain and agony.”
-you are successful, but just to make sure you check on your friend the next day and discover she can barely respond to emails or lift the phone because every muscle in her body is ready to explode.
-you send her one more email to make sure she’ll be there bright and early the next morning to be the subject of your torture session.
-you have successfully ended a friendship.
If I lose any weight or become fit it’s all her fault!
Need a Chicken Doctor?
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Ooh, I think I need a friend like Mrs. Mama to whip my butt into shape. (All those other things sound pretty good, too.) I am tired of seeing it wiggle and jiggle, but I do hate to exercise. If I only had a walking buddy who would go with me at about 6AM to avoid the heat…
BTW, we watched a Dane Cook video, and, between something you said in your post yesterday and that, I think I have it figured why MM said Clay reminded him of DC. Clay really does put his whole body into telling a story and make a lot of goofy faces for emphasis and I think that’s one of the things that makes Dane Cook so funny. He really throws himself into a story. Oh, and the height. BUT Clay is funnier because his humor seems a little kinder and a little cleaner. Okay, but really, if you haven’t seen the atheist sneeze bit or the crying bit, or the You Don’t Even KNOW! bit–you should look ‘em up on YouTube.
Ooh! Ooh! I’m the first to comment!
It’s true. I do practice Chai Tea!
I always knew she was evil. You can tell these things from the way someone writes her blog. The only good part about all that exercising she does is that she will be fit enough to walk her butt to CA to take pictures of my family for me. Since we’re such good friends and all. You are totally invited to come as well, she’s staying in the trailer in my driveway.
No, we’re not white trash, why do you ask?
Just think of all the good things that will come from this. All those good things…
she writes her blog that is, not someone…
Hey, I practice Chai Tea and Krav Maga, too. But you don’t see me getting up at Oh-Dark-Hundred to exercise with a smile on my face. Remind me to visit MrsMama at some point *after* the mass exercise thing has ended…
You can come be friends with me. We will sleep until noon, give each other hamburger helper recipes and be too lazy to text or email.
When she’s done being friends with you, send her my way. I need someone like that in my life.
Oh my. Thanks for the laugh. You are at the top of my must read list every day.
My best friend and I took a pilates class together in college… thinking it would be a fun easy class we could talk to each other in.
The only “talking” we did was when we’d use ASL to tell each other we were dying. Too out of breath to speak. Good thing we know ASL!
LOL! At least you’ll be one sexy mamma by the end of it all!
Ha, ha! That’s funny.
“Fuji Film Fighting” That is so funny! LOL
My best friend recently tried to kill me with some torture device called “sprints”.
I thought I was going to throw up and die.
oh i am rolling on the floor laughing at this post. I won’t even comment-i’ll just ask “why?”
Cardio pump at the Y broke me down. My friend and I went for two sessions and then we wordlessly agreed never to go there ever again:)