So it is “Clay Week” by the mere fact that April is in a part of the country where the Internet, cell phone towers, land line phones, and running water are but a dream. So unless she sends me her posts via pony express or smoke signals, I’m filling in until she returns.
I’ve been rolling around in my mind what I can write that would keep you people moderately entertained and keep you from leaving this blog in droves. I’ve landed on “Clay’s life Pre-April.” Everyone loves history (yes?) and writing about my history gives me that opportunity to: 1) fake the truth so that I appear really cool and you people will love me; and 2) avoid repeating anything that April has already told you.
Anyway, to that end, here is installment number one of “Clay’s Life Pre-April”:
My best friend growing up was Gary. He lived right across the street from me and he was always good at a lot of things that I wasn’t: he was a better student, he was a better baseball player and even though he was six inches shorter than me, he was much better at pissing people off and not letting it bother him. He did that quite a bit when we were kids and suffered a lot of physical threats and actual head-locks because of it…usually with me standing a couple of paces off…usually not doing anything meaningful to stop the conflict. I was a great friend.
Among the pissed masses was a small band of kids that lived down the street from us. And when I say kids I mean they were a year younger. And by small band I mean about 30 of them. I never quite figured out why they had it out for Gary (and me by association), but Gary’s gift was a quick wit that had a way of getting under people’s skin. He liked to share his gift. So they basically hated our guts.
Their main hangout was a house halfway between the local IGA store and our houses and it was the scene of a lot of jeering, throwing of objects, and malicious stares as we rode our bikes past. It is so easy to strike terror in the hearts of your opponents balancing a quart of milk and a bunch of bananas on your knees when riding your dirt bike. Scary stuff.
On this particular day, Gary and I happened to be on foot. We got around the hideout and saw that one of the gang was sitting on the porch. This one was kind of a chubby kid and he and Gary had had a few run ins before and with only one sitting there, we had ourselves a golden opportunity to piss him off. Gary raised his hand and said “Hey Bubba.” Not so bad, huh? Well, apparently we killed his dog because the kid jumped off his porch, ran down to the sidewalk and got nose to nose with Gary. He spewed “Shut your @!#&^ [nicely proportioned] face” and “I’m going to kick your (%@ [rear end]” and “You’re a %&^# @@$% !@#!@ *&^( [generally lovely person]” at Gary for about 30 seconds.
I was preparing to stand silently to one side while they started to throw jabs. But Gary waited for the rant to end, stood there for a bit, leaned back to me and said “I think he’s been eating Doritos.”
We laughed. Heck, he laughed quite a bit and we walked on. Crises averted.
Is there anything Doritos can’t do?
Need a Chicken Doctor?
Contact 
Great post Clay! Hope you survive your week without your loving wife. A bit of advice…make sure there are no dirty dishes laying around when she comes home and wipe the counter and table.
But could he tell which flavor? Or are your so old that there was only the original one?
I thought that story was HILARIOUS! Am I the only one? Anyway, don’t feel bad nobody is commenting. Apparently only important people comment on this blog. lol
Thanx Clay for the funny story! Miss your wife, and Karen was right, keep the kitchen clean – also make the bed. Those two things will save you when April comes home and sees what a great husband/father you are. Oh, and don’t let one of the kids die. That is always good advice.
Great job at filling in. Loved the story, but now I want Doritos and we don’t have a single crumb of one in our house. And I am pretty sure that April hasn’t shared that story with us before, so you are good.
Brave boy, taking over April’s platform.
So this can be your therapy couch, eh? Revisit the moments of the past that shaped your psyche and all that.
Gary sounds a bit like one of my sons…
What ever happened to him? Does he still piss people off but with more finesse?
Hey! Maybe you could get your brother-in-law to take over Rechelle’s blog too! Then both blogs would stay warm while the girls are gone.
That would be doubly interesting!
I think if my honey were to take over my blog it would either consist of just “Hi.” or complete chaos.
You’ve definitely found a place right in the middle. Thanks for the entertainment!
Please, Sir, may we have some more? I guess April and Rechelle both being absent makes me feel a little like a blog orphan. I’m glad April left you to keep things going. That Country Doctor character just ran off along with his wife without anyone to hold down the fort over there. How irresponsible is that? Bloggers are going on vacation right and left or at least enjoying their summers away from the computer just when we cancelled satellite. Don’t these people realize they have a responsibility to their followers? My gosh! Won’t they all be sorry if I die of boredom! No? Well, alrighty then. Anyway, funny stuff. Keep it coming. It’s up to you to save the future of blogging–and keep me from reading War and Peace. You can do eet! Forget the dishes if necessary.
You are a brave, witty, handsome guy and April is very lucky to have you around. How are the bees doing?
Thanks for the laugh Clay!
I can just see the orange mouthed kid ranting.
Gary sounds pretty cool – I’d probably stand back and watch the show, too. What’s he doing now? He didn’t turn into an oracle or anything did he….wait…that’s another story – tell us that one!
Not too shabby for an architect! Just kidding!!
Honey,
You are funny. Listen to all these smart people that have told you to keep the house clean. I know you will. Also, don’t let my garden die….it needs water.
Clay,
Thanks for stepping up to the blog while April is away. You did a great job entertaining us, your wife will be proud. But don’t get a big head, miss April! Helpful Hint: To Make a wife very happy when she returns from a trip – a clean house! True, True!
Greay post Clay, you can play here while shes gone…By the way, clean windows, laundry, garden weeded, mopped floors, fresh flowers & super waiting will go a loooong way also., When your done, just let us know.
Clay…you have a gift! You are a born blogger!
Finally, we hear from Clay! You know what a crush we all have on you, right? Oh, of COURSE you do, ’cause April’s ranted about it before.
Oh, and the other commenters were dead on…if the dishes are done and the house is even moderately clean, you’ll qualify for husband of the year. If you have some sort of dinner waiting (even if it’s just KFC), that’s just extra points. Last fall, I got home after a hellacious week with my sister (she’s not NEARLY as much fun as Rechelle), and my husband had made Hamburger Helper and frozen green beans. I don’t think he’s ever done anything that made me that happy!
YAY! More stories Clay! you are a great guest blogger!
I KNEW Doritos were a magical food.
Doritos? great for drywall, too.
Next time, have April build up your filling in ahead of time so we are all in anticipation! You know, “Coming Soon to April’s blog…Clay!” I would have come sooner if I had known you would be here.
Great story…so where is Gary now? Corporate America somewhere?
Hilarious, in keeping with the two of you in general, yet uniquely non-Aprily. well done.
BTW – Doritos breath is by far the worst breath, well maybe Cool Ranch Doritos breath is really the worst and they were created later, but yeah, that was funny.
Eating Cool Ranch Doritos as I type this…wish the breath would help me finish my work faster!
Please let us know what Gary is doing now. Thanks for taking the time to fill in for April. Y’all always make my day as we say here in Alabama. More! More! We Want More!!!!!
ok, now you’ve made me curious. Where and when did you grow up? What is an IGA?
Clay, you are nuts.
That’s a great story… You remind me a bit of my little brother. He’s always getting under someones skin.
Ek. Not you… Gary reminds me of my brother. Haha.
You can give us some more stories if you have the time. I love hearing about other people’s lives and their histories. I guess that is why I am a creepy, anonymous person that lurks around the internet reading blogs about the minutia of other people’s lives and finding it deeply fascinating.
So more please.
For example : Are y’all still friends? What other adventures did you get into with Gary? Entertain us!!!
I laughed out loud. What a great attitde and story.
There is however one think Doritos can’t do and that is help you loose weight.
Good thing I am not a chip eater.
Keep up the great posts.
Charity
I can’t stop laughing at the visual of the leaning back to comment on his Dorito breath! That was great, thanks for the laugh.
Clay. Clay? Has April mentioned a Clay? Are you her brother? Are you one of her sons?
Great story, however!
Just like Gran Torino.
Except the ending.
Clint needed Doritos.