Be Sociable, Share!
Be Sociable, Share!
Be Sociable, Share!
Be Sociable, Share!

The Living Without Series

This is a series of posts that I wrote back in 2006 on living with less stuff. Check them out: liv011Living #2liv031liv04

Coal Creek Farm on Facebook

The Chicken Doctor

April

The Architect

Clay

Questions That Need Answers

Q- Is The Pioneer Woman Real?

A- No.  She is a figment of our imaginations.  Behind the web sight is a very portly gentleman with male patterned baldness named Phil.  There is also this really beautiful woman that is quite normal, humble, goofy and gracious that lives at the ranch, but I didn’t talk to her much.

Q- What is Marlboro Man’s real name?

A- Marlboro Man.  Or Percy or Harold or Wayne…one of those, I think.  I just called him Dude.

Q- Where is the ranch?

A- If you go to Oklahoma, look for a large daisy in the middle of nowhere.  That is where the ranch is, we had no problem finding it after we pulled over and asked three  wild mustangs and one Texas Longhorn for directions.

Q- Did you get to meet the Punks?

A- Yes.  I asked if I could trade a couple of my boys for one of the girls.  We’re negotiating, I’ll let you know what happens.  The Baby Punk is completely useless and acts exactly like the one I already have.  The older boy is pretty much the cutest thing on the planet and needs to stay on the ranch to keep it cute.  The girls just need to come live with me.

Q- Did you meet the dogs?

A- Yes.  I petted Charlie and now we are best friends, he emails me everyday.  I love him.  I think we are going to run away together, even though he’s really short.  Height is just a measurement.

Q- What did you eat?

A- M&M’s, cheese curls, bacon, slightly over done cinnamon rolls that I ate while growling at anyone that came near them, lots of butter and the best steak I’ve ever had in my entire life.  I also ate a ridiculous amount of Jenni’s pumpkin bread….truely extradonairy.  Oh, and then there was lasagna that I really wish I had for lunch today instead of that hot dog that I just crammed in my pie hole.  CAKE….. she made that cake.  I ate a sliver for breakfast the morning we left.  Garlic mashed potatoes, salad and did I mention butter?  Yes, I ate a lot of delicious butter.  I washed everything down with eight gallons of coffee because I didn’t want to miss a thing.

Q- Did you meet Josh?

A- Did I meet Josh?  I took that cute cowboy and sat him down on my lap and asked what he wanted for Christmas.  I hate to say this, but Ree, I mean Phil,  has not captured the complete cuteness that is Josh in any of the photos of him.  He is darling, adorable, sweet, cute and just a heck of a fella.  And he has a nice firm handshake, thank God you know how I feel about hand shakes.  He told the story about how he wrecked the gator and hurled himself head long into a herd of cattle or some such awful thing and made it clear that not one person came to see if he was okay until they finally realized he was not getting up off the ground.  Ranch life is not for pansy-arse-lolly-pop-fairy dust people.  Josh, Josh, Josh, I just wanted to give him a big smooch and pinch his cheeks.  And the Punks loooooove Josh, like love him like he’s been hosed down with candy love him.  It appears that Josh loves them back and has no trouble showing it.  Oh, I have one more thing to say about Josh.  He likes to watch UFC and make funny commentary.  Did I say he was cute?  Did I say he was darling?

Q- What’s MM like in person?

A- Marlboro Man is genuine.  He’s the real deal.  He and Phil work together in a beautiful synchronicity that can only be comprehended in real life.  He is patient, loving, attentive and a darn hard worker.  He answered so many questions I feared he would need a lozenge.  He is funny.  He makes fun of Phil.  He makes fun of the Punks.  He is not afraid to share his heart or his faith.  He wore socks with holes in them and fried bacon.  He eats Cheetos and lots of candy.  He really likes Phil’s food.  The only thing he needs to work on is warning people when he is going to grab them by the rear and sling them up over his head and throw them on a horse, it’s a very small defect and I’m sure there is an etiquette book out there somewhere he could read or maybe he could write the etiquette book and then his un-ranched visitors would know what to expect, or not.  MM is much, much, much better looking in person, just like Josh and Phil.

Q- What did you think of The Lodge?

A- Well, it was no Super 8, that’s for sure!  It’s huge, man.  Hee-uuuuuuge.  It’s just like the photos, but so much more.  The spaces are warm and inviting.  We spent most of our time in the kitchen, of course.  Ree, I mean Phil, shared with us some of the history of the lodge; like the time she and MM lived there when they had tiny babies and the well went dry.  She had to drive two miles to take a shower at her in-laws house and cart home water to heat on the stove to wash the dishes.  That’s when Phil, the portly, bald man actually became Ree, the gorgeous  Pioneer Woman.

Be Sociable, Share!