My children outnumber me four to one. I can only sweep my kitchen floor twenty times a day before I decide it’s just a stupid waste of energy. I can only yell and bark orders so many times before I just give up and hide in the office hoping when I come out the house will be in order and smelling fresh.
Uncle! Mercy!
To make myself feel better I’m writing a list of what I plan to do to my children’s homes when I visit them, which will be often and for several weeks at a time.
1. I will pee all over the toilette seat and heck, maybe on the floor and if I’m still agile enough I’ll aim some at the wall and I will never flush the toilette, ever. Or wash my hands.
2. I’m going to spill every beverage I’m handed on the counter top and then to be helpful I’ll use every paper napkin available to clean it up then leave the soggy napkins to dry so they are glued permanently to the Formica.
3. I’ll drop my clothes in the bathroom, the living room, the kitchen, the foyer, the porch, the basement and leave a few socks in their car.
4. I’m going to pack the largest suitcase I can find with five bazillion Legos to drop in the toilette, the sink and in the fireplace. I’ll sprinkle them in the yard, chuck a few in the garage and then like a flower girl I will promenade through the house and lightly dust every room with a covering of colorful plastic, oh the glee.
5. I will bring with me an entire tube of toothpaste and on the last day I’m at their house I will brush my teeth and then smear toothpaste in the sink on the floor, the mirror, the tub and I’ll rub some in the carpet with my foot and then toss the empty tube in a drawer without the cap.
6. I will take all their DVDs and CDs and put them in the wrong cases, and leave a few empty.
7. I’ll hide all their remotes and cordless phones. And remove all the batteries.
8. I’ll go into their closets and try on all their shoes and then throw them out of the closet in a big pile when I’m done.
9. I’ll open every packaged food item and then leave it open and place it precariously on the edge of the shelf in the pantry so when they open the door the bag will tip out and spill the entire bag of chips, cheerios, nuts, pretzels and what have you all over the floor.
10. I will use every towel they own.
11. I will offer to sweep up some of the spilled pantry items and then dump the dustpan into their car.
12. I’ll hold a handful of Hershey kisses in my hands until they’re all nice and gooey and then I will finger paint the windows, just cuz.
13. I’ll stand in one spot, preferably their bedroom and hold the trigger of a full can of wretched smelling Lysol until it fizzes out, leaving the fumes to cascade around the room for days.
14. I’ll offer to do their laundry and then dump it all in their closet.
15. I’ll hide half eaten Oreo cookies under all the couch cushions.
16. I’ll accidentally break one precious thing or maybe two.
17. I’ll smear honey on all the door knobs.
18. I’ll cry, whine and act sick if they ask me to help clean up.
19. I’ll beg for all my friends to come over when I’ve got the house looking really ripe.
20. I’ll look around and swear repeatedly that the house doesn’t look that messy.
and then I’ll line them up, give them a hug, a kiss and wave goodbye, until next time….
Need a Chicken Doctor?
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Good list! Except #15…what a waste of perfectly good Oreos! How is it possible to only eat half an Oreo?
Ha! Thanks, April. My family is staging their annual sometime-around-spring-break-sick-time — well, they are not really staging it on purpose (I keep telling myself this) and, man, did I need to laugh. I totally love your list. I think that I’ll adopt those for my own….maybe that and add — 21. Make sure to wake them up at the crack of dawn every single day….by banging stuff and jumping into bed with them. Yep. Oh, and 22. Refuse to eat anything except my very favorite stuff which will be their least liked food. That would make it complete.
–annie
LOVE THIS!!!! Linking to it!
flylady.net
housefairy.org
Barb
Ummmm. You aren’t keeping track, are you?
Absolutely hilarious!
LOL…I can’t wiat to torture my children:)!!
I’m printing this list for future reference…
April,
Pretty good list. Thanks for providing us with a battle strategy.
That is hilarious… all kids do these things? I thought they were just mine! **sigh**
Someone on HK linked to your blog… I think I’ll subscribe. Very funny read!
This is priceless April!!!! I am sure my neighbors are wondering what all the laughter is coming from my house–the windows are open–beautiful day today. Certainly brings back “those” days of child rearing. Kind of miss them. Joanie
This is priceless April!!!! I am sure my neighbors are wondering what all the laughter is coming from my house–the windows are open–beautiful day today. Certainly brings back “those” days of child rearing. Kind of miss them. Joanie
OMGoodness…you CRACK ME UP!! Yes, I have 2 little girls, who except for the pee part, fit this to a “T”. The sad yet however ironic thing is, is that when they are old enough to have a house of their own, you will miss them so much…yes, even the 1/2 eaten oreos under couch cusions and little bodies jumping in bed with you, that all will be forgiven and you will be a polite loving mom who will not make a mess in THEIR houses, but who will fix dinner and offer to tidy up and babysit for them etc. etc. Ah…the parody of it all. :0)
This is brilliant! It made me laugh out loud – because unfortunately I can relate to most of it – with 2 house trashing boys of my own. Thanks for sharing, it has started my day off wonderfully!
I’m sending this to my daughter who has 5 children, 4 boys 1 girl, and 4 are teenagers in high school. All are in sports,etc. I too have plans for my grandsons for when they are grown and have nice new cars they love. Can’t wait. Love your site. Thanks. Victoria
I came by way of your sister. Thank you, thank you for a list I plan on using when I visit my daughter. She just recently moved into her first home, a townhouse. I’ve been wanting to play her for years. (Hugs) Indigo
This is the funniest blog I’ve read ever. No really, ever. I read it and almost peed (sp?) in my pants. I’ve called everyone I know and read it to them. Well done. I love your sense of humor. Oh wait, you weren’t kidding were you? I think I’d add one to the list and poop on the tile entry way. Is that going too far? I can never tell.
utterlyrandombyjules.blogspot.com
This is the funniest blog I’ve read ever. No really, ever. I read it and almost peed (sp?) in my pants. I’ve called everyone I know and read it to them. Well done. I love your sense of humor. Oh wait, you weren’t kidding were you? I think I’d add one to the list and poop on the tile entry way. Is that going too far? I can never tell.
utterlyrandombyjules.blogspot.com
Oh Lord have mercy April – this is a dead on funny but accurate picture of what kids REALLY DO isn’t it? Oh my, I am laughing so hard I am crying real tears…boy, this is classic. LOVE IT! And, I must say I am supremely happy to know that it isn’t just my kids…
Oh mercy, I laughed so hard I thought I was going to fall off my chair.
The only exception I have here, is that rather than oreos in the couch, I’m going to take a 300 count bag of dum dums and open and lick every last one of them and hide them all over. in the couch, under the beds.. all over the entire house.
Wait a minute – don’t forget to get some of the toothpaste on the shower curtain. We have that goin’ on here.
On my list: I will buy my grandchildren a play kitchen and stock it with miniature enamel plates and silverware and miniature METAL pots and pans so they can bang around in the play kitchen when their parents are on the phone. I will also buy large CAT brand construction toys that have buttons to push to make the machine sound like the real thing. There will be no volume control for this toy. I will buy and endless supply of batteries for it and then I will show my grandchildren how to push the button over and over and over again until his parent threatens to throw the toy out the window. The batteries come in handy b/c his parent will eventually get smart and remove the battery, but the child will then say, “Well, Nana bought me extra batteries for it.” and then the parent will have to not only find the batteries, but install them. Fun times!
Thank you for the laughs! I stumbled upon your site for the first time tonight. I love it!
I need to keep a copy of this!! So funny.
This is seriously one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. It makes me feel better to know your kids do the same things as mine! I was laughing so hard while reading this that I was literally crying. My stomach muscles had not had that kind of workout in a long time! Thanks for the laugh!
Oh I wish I could laugh at this…but it is so true of kids today. I am so glad mine are out of the house now.
I just sent my parents an email telling them to read this. They have their own list of what they want to do to my brothers when they have their own place and/or children. I was a perfect child so they don’t have a list for me. This was hilarious!
That’s what childhood is for — I’ll bet you already did all that. The best you can hope is that your grandchildren will do it to them
I needed to read this right about now. Thanks for giving me the idea to plot these exact things for my daughter!
You forgot to take the permanent marker and draw on all the walls! That’s what I got to clean up on Mother’s day of all days!
Love it!
Oh that is beyond funny! I love it!
Um, that sounds like my husband!
This list is a keeper!
When I visit my kids, I’m going to wipe my boogers on the wall so they will dry up and get hard. Then they’ll have to use a paint scraper to remove them.
I’m going to do all of those things AND leave damp towels on their beds, shower until the hot water runs out, leave the screen door open and let all the flies in the land in, whine that dinner is not my favourite and make absolutely sure to ‘accidentally’ tip my drink over someone else’s meal in the middle of dinner!
My husband’s parents have already announced they will be pumping our children full of candy before returning them. We’ve informed them the kids will already be pumped with sugar before they get to grandma and grandpas. They got quiet after that.
ok… I am in love with the dum dumb pop idea in one of the comments. This is my house…. I swear, I vacuum under the couch cushions every week but somehow it looks like a whole snack cabinet got dumped in there. ????? Does it multiply in the dark???
Personally, I will leave every single one of my shoes in a different spot every night and then ‘not remember’ where they are the next morning. I will also answer any question with a shouted-out ‘NO!’, quickly followed by an ‘But I *do* want/like/am…’
Don’t forget to sigh very heavily and fall back on the couch every 5 minutes saying “I’m bored” or “there is nothing to do!” then go and open the fridge/cabinets and say “There is nothing to eat”
i no i am an exception, but because I was raised in a little too much of this type situation, I (my dad also) had the RULE absolutely NO food anywhere out of the kitchen… and enforced it of course! There were exceptions, but tried to definitely keep food out of the bedrooms! But this was cute nonetheless! We do have to keep our humor up – and some of the comments were as fun as the article!
Love your list! I’m going to take off my shoes and socks between all our stops (when I’m too old to drive) or better yet, say, “Oh, did I need shoes to go in there?” I wonder if they’ll buy me a new pair of shoes or stuff me in the grocery cart like I do them? Hmm… Thanks for the great laughs.
Oh man! So true! Especially about the pee… if you used one of those forensics lights I swear you’d see signatures either on the walls or floors of my bathrooms. What is with boys?
And in our house, its peanut butter on the doorknobs. *slaps forehead*
I’m definitely going to print this for ammunition…I mean, strictly for research purposes…
Oh this was hysterical…….sounds like a great list to me….after raising three; i feel your pain!
I’m going to do this too…it’s exactly what they all have been doing to me for years and it ain’t over yet!
But you might want to add:
I will wear every single pair of socks I own for at least three days, and then when they are really stinky, I will shove them under my bed in the most inaccessible part I can. Then I will complain loudly that I can’t find any socks and protest that I can’t smell dirty socks in my room…it must be their imagination!
oh man this is to funny! i was just telling my 8 yr old all the things i was going to do in her house when she moved out..color on the walls..crack eggs on the carpet..ect ect..and she got a mad face and looked me in the eye with a serious face and said…you are going to die a lonely person! then later she hugged me and said that was ok she still loved me but i couldnt come to her house LOL
HA! I have 7 children, and I swore I thought you were talking about my house.
I keep telling them I can’t wait until they’re grown up and I come to visit them.
My husband keeps giving me the stink eye because I was laughing so HARD at this post – tears were coming out. When my hubby and I first moved into our home my mom was always shocked that I could actually keep a home clean and threatened to do a few of the items on your list. Sooooo funny!!!!!
This was very humorous, however it is also sad if parents allow their children to treat their homes and parents in this manner. It is our job to “train up” our children and teach them to respect things, as well as people. Just my two cents. As I said, it was funny, though.
I just stumbled across your site today and am dying of laughter. I am not going to do these things to my boys, I am going to teach my grandchildren to do these things!! Then it can be ongoing. I also plan on moving in with one of my children when I am old and then I will terrorize them because they will feel too responsible to correct me!! Your life with the chickens parallels ours in so many ways!!