My children outnumber me four to one. I can only sweep my kitchen floor twenty times a day before I decide it’s just a stupid waste of energy. I can only yell and bark orders so many times before I just give up and hide in the office hoping when I come out the house will be in order and smelling fresh.
To make myself feel better I’m writing a list of what I plan to do to my children’s homes when I visit them, which will be often and for several weeks at a time.
1. I will pee all over the toilette seat and heck, maybe on the floor and if I’m still agile enough I’ll aim some at the wall and I will never flush the toilette, ever. Or wash my hands.
2. I’m going to spill every beverage I’m handed on the counter top and then to be helpful I’ll use every paper napkin available to clean it up then leave the soggy napkins to dry so they are glued permanently to the Formica.
3. I’ll drop my clothes in the bathroom, the living room, the kitchen, the foyer, the porch, the basement and leave a few socks in their car.
4. I’m going to pack the largest suitcase I can find with five bazillion Legos to drop in the toilette, the sink and in the fireplace. I’ll sprinkle them in the yard, chuck a few in the garage and then like a flower girl I will promenade through the house and lightly dust every room with a covering of colorful plastic, oh the glee.
5. I will bring with me an entire tube of toothpaste and on the last day I’m at their house I will brush my teeth and then smear toothpaste in the sink on the floor, the mirror, the tub and I’ll rub some in the carpet with my foot and then toss the empty tube in a drawer without the cap.
6. I will take all their DVDs and CDs and put them in the wrong cases, and leave a few empty.
7. I’ll hide all their remotes and cordless phones. And remove all the batteries.
8. I’ll go into their closets and try on all their shoes and then throw them out of the closet in a big pile when I’m done.
9. I’ll open every packaged food item and then leave it open and place it precariously on the edge of the shelf in the pantry so when they open the door the bag will tip out and spill the entire bag of chips, cheerios, nuts, pretzels and what have you all over the floor.
10. I will use every towel they own.
11. I will offer to sweep up some of the spilled pantry items and then dump the dustpan into their car.
12. I’ll hold a handful of Hershey kisses in my hands until they’re all nice and gooey and then I will finger paint the windows, just cuz.
13. I’ll stand in one spot, preferably their bedroom and hold the trigger of a full can of wretched smelling Lysol until it fizzes out, leaving the fumes to cascade around the room for days.
14. I’ll offer to do their laundry and then dump it all in their closet.
15. I’ll hide half eaten Oreo cookies under all the couch cushions.
16. I’ll accidentally break one precious thing or maybe two.
17. I’ll smear honey on all the door knobs.
18. I’ll cry, whine and act sick if they ask me to help clean up.
19. I’ll beg for all my friends to come over when I’ve got the house looking really ripe.
20. I’ll look around and swear repeatedly that the house doesn’t look that messy.
and then I’ll line them up, give them a hug, a kiss and wave goodbye, until next time….