The Living Without Series

This is a series of posts that I wrote back in 2006 on living with less stuff. Check them out: liv011Living #2liv031liv04

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The Chicken Doctor


The Architect


Mommy Hangover

Is this what having a hang over is like?

This morning I woke up with a headache. Not a good start to the day. While I was lying there contemplating the throbbing, Levi had the audacity to nail me in the temple with the corner of a book. “Ooooow! That Hurt!” I screamed and then hurled the book across the room, I’m so mature and I never overreact.

Isaac was a broken record saying, “Can you please make me some oatmeal? You’re not in the kitchen making me oatmeal. Okay, now can you make me some oatmeal? Oatmeal…..oatmeal. Make me oatmeal.”

Why? Why do they torment me so? I stumbled to the cabinet popped some Advil and made some coffee.

Act I Scene I
(April stumbling around kitchen ranting about filth.)

ring ring

C-How tall is Isaac?
A-I dunno.
C-How much do Seth and Ellen weigh?
A-I dunno, maybe 85 to 90? Why?
C-I’m calculating their adult height.
A-Okay, what did you come up with?
C-Ellen 5’11’, Seth 6’7″, Isaac 6’8″
(April does not want to think about how difficult and expensive clothing giants will be and is having trouble expressing any sort of glee over her husband’s excitement of potentially freakishly tall children)
A-Okay, can I go now?
C-Yeah, let me know how tall Isaac is, kay?
A-Yep, I’ll get right to that.
(April proceeds to whine and complain that waking up to a dirty kitchen is the one thing she hates the most….whaaa, whaaaa….Oatmeal, Oatmeal!)

A-What do you want, now?
C-Hi, Sunshine! Are you going to go out of town June…..(lots of mumbo jumbo about dates, trips, walk-a-thon..blah, blah, blah)
A-Are you just going to keep calling me about stupid stuff or are you actually going to do some work today?
C-(continues on about dates, summer, blah, blah)….and to answer your question, no, I am just going to keep calling you and not do any work today.
A-Fabulous, can I go now?
C-Yes, love you honey…line the kids up and give ’em all hugs and kisses for me.
A-Did I tell you I have a gogache (our word for headache).
C-Yes, you mentioned that and I’m sorry.
A-Goodbye. (thundercloud boom over her head)
C-Bye bye! (the rainbow and glitter emitting from the phone line dissipates)

Curtain Closes

Act I Scene II

(April goes to change poopy diaper to discover that the heaping mound of clothes on her bedroom floor has been folded and stacked. Smile.)

E-Mom, I can’t find my history test, but I found this book.
A-Clifford goes to Washington!!!! You found it? You get an award. (Library book had been missing for a couple months. Library fines averted once again.)
E-Do I really get an award?
A-Yes! (hugs her daughter and swats her on the bottom) There you go.
E-That’s not a reward.
A-Okay, I’ll make you one.
E-Really? What kind? When?
A-Ugh! I dunno, now run along little doggie.

to be continued…..for the rest of my life!

Summer 2006

Summer is upon me. Here is my list of things I’ve been thinking about doing.

READER BEWARE: There may be some abbreviated cursing in this list. My adult rule is that if the word is in the bible it’s okay to say.

1. Organize the God in Heaven above help me I can’t walk through the damned garage. A lil’ blaspheme to my husband and son who dropped their mud-encrusted, paint-ball clothing at the threshold of the garage door over a freakin’ month ago as I proclaimed, “I. Am. Not. Going. To. Deal. With. That!” and apparently they have decided it will be a cold day in hell when they deal with it too. Serenity now!

2. Paint my bedroom furniture. No, not the estate sale fodder in my bedroom, I’m talking about the furniture that I’ve had since I was in second grade. I think my parents bought the entire collection. The only piece I don’t have at my house is the headboard. The pieces that are scattered in various rooms of my house are; desk with hutch, chair, three drawer dresser with hutch, long six drawer dresser, high boy six drawer dresser, mirror and night stand. Why did I have this much furniture? It has served my family well over the years, unfortunately it’s very girlie for a family with three boys and we have never been able to fit all of it in Ellen’s room and for the love of all that is holy she will never own enough clothing to fit in all those drawers! Scary thing is that I did own enough clothing as a child to fill all those drawers and a walk-in closet. Let’s say it together, “gluttony”.

3. Start an exercise program. What’s so funny?

4. Finish reading Gilead. Why am I so NOT interested in this book? I’ve been reading it a couple pages at a time, in the bathroom no less, for about five months.

5. Finish reading Garrison Keilor’s book.

That’s it. A list of five tasks that I could complete in a few days. Well, except the exercise bit.

Headline- Baby living in Wal-Mart, Mother astounded at his survival skills.

Where’s Levi?

I think I may have accidentally brought home the wrong baby from Wal-Mart a few weeks ago.

I say Wal-Mart because I so rarely go anywhere else. I wish I could say Target, Whole Foods or just any other store other than the giant Wally World. My Super Dee Dooper Wal-Mart has undergone a face lift and painted everything the color of what I like to call “Oops” paint. It’s this brownish, mauvish, greyish, in other words putrid color. I think someone must have said, “We can’t sell these millions of gallons of returned paint, so let’s dump them all together and paint our store!”. The result is less than lovely.

Now, back to the baby.

Levi has reverted back to his old way of sleeping. He’s waking up just as Clay and I are going to sleep. Our attempts to let him cry himself back to sleep have failed, since he can climb out of his crib and come find us. When we rescue him from his obvious misery he only wants to straddle me and lay his little silky head on my right shoulder…not left no, no, that is obviously uncomfortable for him. Once he has found his comfort zone, which is me, he instantly falls back asleep.

He has also become very snuggly as of late. He just can’t get enough of me. I have received so many gushy kisses that I’ve stopped asking for them. He follows me around everywhere and needs to have me in his line of vision at all times. He holds his hands up for me to hold him. This is the child that usually wants nothing more than to escape my grasp.

My mother and sister have both posed the question, “Is he teething?”. Well, yes, but does that make him act like a complete stranger? How do I get him to start sleeping through the night again? If I have to admit that I am not the child rearing expert that I’ve been posing to be, no, I’m sure I still have expertise, this is not my child. I think I better get back to Wal-Mart and put up some posters of my missing baby.

In the mean time I know you would love to give me advice about how to take care of the sleeping problem. I’ll take your advice and test it on this baby. I’m sure his mother won’t mind if I help her out a bit.